The Political Whore

“No, we’ll be taking a piece of the Middle East and keeping it. What did ya think I meant?”

• Traffic alert: I-4 remains closed as authorities continue to clean the wreckage from yesterdays 75+ car pile-up.
• The primaries roll on: McCain and Hillary ride the wave of the victor, Obama picks up the support of a key Nevada labor union and Sen. John Kerry, and Richardson looks for the exits.
• Bush predicts Mideast peace treaty before the end of his term. Is there a Vegas line on this one?
• First step to Mideast peace: Drop 40,000 lbs of explosives in 10 minutes outside of Baghdad.
• The next frontier in the real estate collapse: Commercial property.
• Who’s in favor of filtering the Internet? I mean, other than Microsoft, NBC and AT&T.
• Blu-ray or HD DVD? The porn industry decides …
• Retirement for the A-Train?

“Thanks Hill, I’ll take it from here.”

• The final 24 hours in New Hampshire: Hillary Cries! Hillary Attacks! Hillary prepares for defeat!
• Results are already in from that wacko NH county with 30 people that votes at midnight: Obama and McCain carry the day!
• Here we go again: It’s the young people who are going to make the difference this election. Just like they did for Kerry and Gore.
• In more trouble than Mitt Romney: The Washington Redskins, The Golden Globes, Pakistan, Starbucks.
• Rejoice: Stewart and Colbert are back!
• Presenting your BCS champions: The LSU Tigers.
• And the best picture ever to define the word “ego” is …
• Ok, who bogarted all the Bob Marley?

Coming soon to a country near you …

• Bill & George H.W.: On the road again?
• “Obama attended a Muslim school … and I mean that in only the nicest way possible!“
• Just for Hussey: Christoper Hitchens on why Huckabee sucks.
• Bush declares state of the economy as “pretty good.” Begin hoarding food!
• Bob Hite gets probation.
• Debbie Lafave back in court. But why did the Times run two photos?
• Jay & Conan back on the air Jan. 2.
• Oh, and the Writer’s Guild says ‘no way’ to its members writing the Oscar and Golden Globe telecasts. Yes, it’s true: People are paid good money to write that horrific award-show patter.

“Just tap the A button for a ‘juice boost.’”

• Clinton “personally apologizes to Obama” for her campaign labeling Barack a drug dealer. (I’m linking Time’s political page in the hopes that they add to their post, but there’s not much their yet.)
• In other political mea culpa news: Huck’s apologizing too. Maybe it’s the holiday spirit?
• Inflation? What inflation?
• Roger Clemens was taking the ‘roids? That’s about as surprising as Jodie Foster coming out of the closet.
• Jodie Foster comes out of the closet.
• Anybody want to buy a bus? It’s $225K and you get all the tacos you can eat.
• The Material Girl heads up this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction class.
• R.I.P.: Ike Turner.

UPDATE: Here’s some more on Hill’s apology.

Zeppelin still rocks! Please tour … pleeeaaaasssseeeee!

• Time grades the Republican candidates on their Univsion debate performance. Some buenos; some not so much.
• Ahmadinejad has a blog! Can the Facebook page be far behind?
• Christopher Hitchens thinks it’s time to abolish the C.I.A. The last guy who thought of this got splattered all over a limo in Dallas.
• And the writer’s strike drags on. Please, give me back my Daily Show.
• Yeah, I’ll take a McGriddle, a medium coffee and — Hey! Get off me!!!
• The gayest fruit fly I have ever seen.
• Will Santa’s sled be diverted by a subtropical storm?
• Today’s holiday recipe: Wookie cookies.
• More Zeppelin? Go to Tampa Calling. Wade’s got you covered.

“That is a good question. I’ll ask him and let you know if Jesus can make a rock so big that even he can’t lift it.”

• Romney: “Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God.” God: “Please leave me out of your desperate attempt to pander to the Republican base.”
• Not the shopping frenzy businesses were hoping for: A 19-year-old kid from Omaha shoots up a Nebraska shopping mall, killing eight and himself.
• Hillary’s lead in South Carolina dwindles to nothing.
• Waste, graft, hubris: Welcome to The Department of Homeland Security.
• Bush lied about when he saw the N.I.E. that states Iran suspended its nuke program in 2003. Let’s all shake our heads and do nothing about it.
• Cheney rips house Dems as dickless losers henpecked by the little lady who runs the place. I’m paraphrasing, of course.
• Did the Supersize Me guy find Osama bin Laden?
• A how-to on picking an environmentally friendly Christmas tree.

On a scale from 1-10: Iran’s a 2.

• What’s that giant sucking sound? Oh, it’s Clinton and Giuliani’s national poll numbers.
• Obama’s got a new website, and Hill’s not gonna like it.
• And the Lord said, “Get thy homeless ass off my stoop!”
• Wait, you mean Iran isn’t trying to develop a nuclear weapon? But Bush and Cheney said …
• Amazing hypocrite alert: The MPAA gets caught violating copyright.
• Crist did what? He can’t do that! Can he?
• Congress regulating credit card companies is like Amy Winehouse taking over the DEA.
• Research shows a chemical compound in Marijuana slows the growth of breast cancer. Quick, ban this research!

Wasn’t that yummy?

• The local paper’s post-debate reaction here and here.
• Look out Mike! A scuffle in the spin room.
• Did the Clinton campaign manage to get a question in? They say no.
• Speaking of which: Fox News is all over those nasty Dems sneaking in questions.
• Time assigns grades to each candidate’s debate performance. It looks like there was a hefty curve.
• Who won? CNN asks three people no one should ever listen to.
• St. Petersblog responds to the debate with a photo spread for the hard of reading.
• Leave it Huff Post: Debate analysis in the form of a cartoon.

Snowman! Snowman! Snowman!

• A week after falling behind Obama in Iowa, the “inevitable” Hillary is now falling behind the Republican candidates.
• Good times are here to stay in Iraq — as is the U.S. military.
• Ba-bum … ba-bum … ba … … … ba … bum … ba …
• Good bye: Trent Lott.
• Behold: The GDrive.
• The stock market’s up … for the moment … don’t hold your breath … but right now it’s up!
• Despite being questionable for Sunday’s Game against the Saints, Bucs QB Jeff Garcia is still in better shape then the Redskins’ Sean Taylor.
• Van Halen to grace the Bay area with an appearance on Mon. Feb. 18. A Monday? Say it ain’t so, Diamond Dave!

“Ha! That’s good stuff. Send it to Novak.”

• Obama takes the lead! (But only in Iowa.)
• In a sure ratings grabber, CBS News employees vote to “authorize” a strike, possibly denying six 90-year-olds their evening Katie fix.
• OPEC starts talking about dumping the dollar.
• What are women really reading online?
• Sesame Street’s first season comes to DVD … Keep it away from the kids!
• “‘I’m shipping it back. I don’t need a $100 jersey,’ said Rep. Ed Hooper, R-Clearwater, who got a uniform with the new Rays logo on the front and his name and the number ‘08‘ on the back.”
• Our long city-wide nightmare is over: The Miley Cyrus show has come and gone.
• Those St. Petersblog posters are a cantankerous bunch. I kind of want to give them a hug.

“Luke, I am your great, great, great, great grandfather.”

• Hit me!
• An 87-year-old Sarasota woman gets trashed.
• Genetic scientists get into some monkey business.
• Speaking of which: The “Skunk Ape” is back.
• The General’s days are probably numbered …
• … and W still can’t admit a mistake.
• If e-mail really is obsolete, what will all the spammers do now?
• Today’s the Great American Smoke Out, and CL is here to help. Send all unwanted cigarettes to our office and I’ll make sure they are properly disposed of.

That “Latest news” is interesting. That “Latest news” is interesting.

• Think that super Staph bug is just the northeast’s problem?
• Thompson picks up the endorsement of the National Right To Life Committee.
• So, how many planted questions does Hillary take, anyway?
• “Hey you with the well-styled head, drop it or we’ll shoot!” Bang. Bang. Bang.
• An explosion rocks the House of Representatives! You’re not as excited when I say it was in the Philippines, are you?
• People do dumb shit for Hannah Montana tickets. Thanks MJ. (Ugh.)
• Oil prices take a step back from the brink … for now.

NOTE: I had originally posted an item (now deleted) about Disney requiring biometric scans for entry into Disney World. Turns out that story was from July and I am an idiot.

Bling!

• Elect Giuliani! Paid for by The Committee To Pardon Bernard Kerik.
• Bhutto under house arrest. 5000 Pakistanis rounded up. The White House still impotent.
• Dems: You’ve got to admire the sacks on Clinton, Obama, Dodd and Biden, all of whom skipped the vote to confirm Bush’s new Attorney General.
  
• Jann Wenner isn’t in it for the cash.
• The guys at St. Petersblog are huge fans of the new Rays logo. Huge fans!
• Everyone moved their money out of stocks, right?
• You ever wonder why the old folks seem to love their special Lazy Boy?

“I want you to get mad!”

• Iran’s nuclear program spins on.
• The Rays bring in Mr. Bull Durham to unveil the team’s new unis.
• “I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. … The dollar buys a nickel’s work, banks are going bust. …”
• Anybody wearing a sweater? (I just can’t do it yet.)
• Your moment in the sun as Time’s Person Of The Year is almost up …
• More Loaf: Tampa Calling has a good take on the Times/*TBT story about the Brandon nightclub shooting that left one woman dead and rapper Black Reign’s street cred in tatters taters.

“So I say, ‘loosen up Benzy!’ and she starts givin’ me ‘tude, so I had to round up all the judges.”

• Tampa’s Without Walls Church had better not be without lawyers.
• Poll of the day: 75% of Americans think the country is on the “wrong track.” The other 25% have fled to Canada.
• Today’s model of a working democracy: Pakistan.
• Google gets into the cellphone racket, but no Gphone yet …
• “My mother caught me.” “Caught you doin’ what?” “You know — I was alone …”
• Get your next dime bag with a side of sea urchins.
• Enjoy those reruns.

That’s some Robin leach costume! Happy Halloween.

• Attention Davis Islands residents: If you see a gunman escorting a hostage down the street, it’s probably just two kids in Halloween costumes.
• Fears mount that Crist’s tax cut plan could lead to some messy legal tangling.
• Hillary took some shots, Kucinich got blindsided by Russert on a UFO question, and Richardson damn near announced his candidacy for VP at last night’s 14-hour Democratic debate.
• Tomorrow is put-up or shut-up day for Stephen Colbert’s presidential campaign.
• A kid playing with matches started a 38,000 acre California wildfire. Fox News probes his links to al-Qaeda.
• R.I.P. Robert Goulet.

Countdown to the PoHo’s triumphant return: one more day! In the meantime, one more roundup from Blurbex.

Mission control this is Atlantis: Can you please turn on the night-light?

• Is there anything more meaningful than a presidential election poll eight months ahead of the primary? John Edwards hopes so.
• Tallahassee lawmakers begin a special session, with whining Dems already complaining about cutting property taxes on the backs of children and schools.
• NASA adds two days to the current shuttle mission so astronauts can tuck in their blanky.
• Senate Republicans block a no-confidence vote on Gonzo all the while expressing zero confidence in the embattled A.G. With friends like these …
• Get Baby Letterman to the safe house! A man accused of plotting to kidnap Dave’s kid is on the loose after escaping from a “prison ranch.”
• Get your war blog on: How America Lost Iraq, by Aaron Glantz.
• Apple’s got a new website, a new browser, a new phone and maybe a new iTunes video rental service.
• The Hiccup Girl has been found! (Yes, she was missing … for a little while, anyway.)
• Cheaters never prosper … except in the case of A-Rod.

The PoHo is back Wednesday. I swear. For now, here’s another edition of the Morning Roundup, from your pals over at Blurbex.

• More bad news for real estate speculators: “… evidence is mounting that the migration boom [Florida] experienced in the first half of the decade is over.”
• Joementum! “Crazy” Joe Lieberman agitates for the bombing of Iran. Fellow Dems agitate for Joe to shut the hell up.
• Larry Flynt’s offer of $1 million for information on marriage-cheating politicos has produced around 200 leads. Here’s looking forward to that “Women of the House (of Representatives)” Hustler cover story.
• The St. Pete Pier gets a snazzy new website.
• The final episode of The Sopranos airs, proving the creators of Lost aren’t the only ones who don’t know how their show should end. Huff Post reports angry fans even crashed HBO’s website.
• Here’s a shock: The Bataan Death March pace of air travel is leaving passengers pissed off and spoiling for a fight with undeserving flight attendants. You seat-back can be used as a boxing glove …
• Headline of the day, courtesy of our friends in Gainesville: Big snakes make kids giggle.
• Paris Hilton finds God in prison, quickly calls Barbara Walters to report the good news. God was unavailable for comment.

The PoHo will be back Monday. Until then, you get one more Roundup from me.

• Bush’s sweeping immigration bill gets deported.
• A team of scientists at M.I.T. figure out a way to wirelessly beam electricity across a room to a light bulb. What could possibly go wrong?
• Hillsborough County deputies find 250 pot plants in a house in Apollo Beach, make a few arrests and take some nice shots for a High Times centerfold.
• Double up on your Vitamin D, cut your cancer risk by 60%. Maybe…
• We have seen the future and it’s Core Animation.
• I feel dirty giving constant updates on the legal troubles of Paris Hilton, but it it’s good enough for the Old Wrinkled Gray Lady …
• No Passport? No problem…
• It’s almost two months before the start of preseason workouts, but Gruden’s already settled on his starting quarterback.
• We see how it is: First, we move all the CL blogs to Wordpress. Now, Seminole Heights Blog follows suit. We’ll take it as a compliment, S.H.B.

I’ve been released due to good behavior.

• “Vlad, come on ol’ buddy! That missile defense shield is nothin’ to be worried about.” “I do not trust you Georgie. You’re starting a new arms race.” “Oh Vlad, it’s nothing to hyperventilate over.”
• Today’s headline striking the most fear in the hearts of homeowners: Are property tax cuts doomed to fail?
• Steve no more: Former Largo city manager Steve Stanton to legally changes his name to Susan today.
• Free at last! Free at last! After only three days in the slammer, Paris Hilton is free at last!
• Guess the age of famed organist Rosa Rio. (Hint: Use three digits.)
• “LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Los Angeles residents were urged on Wednesday to take shorter showers, reduce lawn sprinklers and stop throwing trash in toilets in a bid to cut water usage …” Who’s throwing their trash in the crapper? Those crazy Los Angelenos!
• Larry David curbs his enthusiasm for marriage.
• “Our study heralds a new dawn in genetics,” said the man with the pipette in his hands.

Wiccans, seizures, lightning bolts — God is pissed my friends, and not even the Pope is safe.

• Giuliani’s stance on abortion elicits a direct response from God.

• Warning: London’s 2012 Olympics logo may cause seizures.

• New Port Richey Wiccans rally around one of their own.

• Bush says “Russia won’t attack Europe …” Does this mean Russia is about to attack Europe?

• How’s 125 miles per gallon grab you?

• Cheney takes his BS to the only people undereducated enough to listen: American high schoolers.

• “Deranged” man jumped on the Pope’s Jeep. God too busy shooting lightning bolts at Giuliani to notice.

• Why no Blogger uproar over Rupert Murdoch’s attempted purchase of the Wall Street Journal?

• Does Boost Energy Drink raise more than your spirits? The man with the three-day erection thinks so and is suing.

• Bands feuding with fans: Hey, that Arcade Fire guy stole my basketball!

Everyone is running for, to or from something. You should get moving.

• Clinton and Obama in a dead heat.

• “Some things are worth losing elections over,” says the candidate currently in fifth place.

• Ever seen 10 men run from Bush as fast as their geriatric legs will take them?

• U.S. Court of Appeals rules if Bush & Cheney can blurt out profanity over the airwaves, the F.C.C. has no right to punish broadcasters for similar offenses. Fuckin’-A right!

• War is hell. “I wish it would end already!”

• Outsourcing Morning Roundup?

• Michael Moore’s on Oprah today pimping his new flick Sicko.

• Everyone remain calm: Paris is fine. She may even have a new roommate soon.

(Thanks Dawn M. for the assist.)