The Political Whore

By Tom Bortnyk
PoHo correspondent

“Drowning out opposing views is simply un-American” - Nancy Pelosi

Madam Speaker, I could not agree more. Freedom of speech is one of our most cherished rights as American citizens. So, too, is the right to peaceably assemble and to petition the government without fear of punishment or reprisal. These rights are the foundation for Western Civilization as we know it.

Why then, Madam Speaker, do these rights only apply to citizens who share your ideological views? It seems to be the very definition of irony and a text book example of hypocrisy. The political Left in the US has been working diligently to silence opposition, not only with the current health care debate, but in numerous instances in the past.

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In between inaugural balls yesterday, President Obama ordered an immediate halt to the Bush administration’s military commissions system for prosecuting detainees at the detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Notice came just before midnight Tuesday. The decision is described as a pause in all war-crimes proceedings.

The decision will temporarily stop the prosecution of five detainees charged as the coordinators of the Sept. 11 attacks, including the case against Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

Obama clarifies and defends his energy policy proposals in this contentious interview in Nevada with Jon Ralston.

• Bruce Ivins e-mail indicates he was maybe kind of a loon, so it’s certain he perpetrated a solo biological weapons attack on liberal members of our government and the media (though the e-mails never mention anything close to that). Case closed.
• Bush slams China’s human rights record — in the most gentle way possible, of course.
• “Sure I’ll plead guilty to murder, But I gotta have the Colonel and Papa John as witnesses.”
• Hillsborough to spend $50 million on park maintainence and a scaled down version of Jim Norman’s field of dreams.
• How to: stockpile cheap(er) gas.
• Headline of the week: “I’m a breastfeeding fiend.”
• Favre goes to the Jets. Get your Jeff Garcia jerseys here.
• Case closed in the death of Heath Ledger.

This is a new video from Good magazine that boils down the history of the planet (but mostly of oil and food prices) since the dawn of civilization — all in about four minutes.

• Bush signs the government’s big mortgage bailout bill.
• McCain suddenly remembers he’s a Republican, decides tax increases aren’t on the table after all.
• Alaska Senator Ted Stevens (R) sees his career slide further down the tubes.
• A whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on.
• Oil prices drop 16% in July.
• New drug to treat Alzheimer’s disease stops the disease in its tracks … maybe.
• Ex basketball ref Tim Donaghy foul’s out for 15 months after rigging NBA games.
• Don’t hurt the robot’s feelings.

Here’s a sneak peak of the movie everyone (especially angry conservatives looking to score political points) will be talking about this fall. Presenting the first trailer for Oliver Stone’s W.

• Bush to leave behind a $482 billion deficit — and that doesn’t include “the full cost of military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, the potential $50 billion cost of another economic stimulus package, or the possibility of steeper losses in tax revenues if individual income or corporate profits decline.”
• You know the nation is in trouble when the Justice Department is guilty of repeatedly breaking the law.
• “Nuclear weapons are so 20th century.”
• McCain has part of his face removed; Obama’s hip hurts.
• Obama narrows the veep list … maybe.
• BlackLight’s not just for your Jimi Hendrix posters anymore.
• Amy Winehouse leaves the hospital, Kelsey Grammer checks in.
• Helpful tips for hallucinating the natural way.

And so we bring the week to a close in style, with a little game of “Bush or Batman?” Have a good weekend everyone.

• Obama wows them on the continent.
• McCain’s going to pick Romney for V.P., isn’t he?
• No end in sight: Foreclosures double from a year ago.
• Ford loses $8.7 billion last quarter.
• Firm charged with manipulating the oil market. But the oil execs said high prices were only caused by supply and demand?
• Qantas may never crash, but they can still come damn close.
• The Internet’s “critical flaw” exposed.
• The Mindfreak prepares for a little building-implosion prestidigitation on Clearwater Beach.

Planning to vote Republican? Watch this video and then share your ideas for our nation in the comments section.

• U.S. bombs Northwest Pakistan, killing 11 Pakistani soldiers. Aren’t they a War On Terror teammate?
• Bush Sabrerattles with Merkel at press conference in Germany.
• Strickland bails out of the running for Obama’s V.P.
• Soaring New York landmark that looks like a hood ornament seeks rich Arab investment fund for romance, long walks on beach, $800 million.
• ADHD: It’s in the genes.
• Sleep can kill you! (Or at least shorten your life.)
• NBA officials fixed playoff games? No way! Those called fouls always look legitimate to me.
• Lakers finally win one against the Celtics, series stands at 2-1 Boston.

Great moments in presidential speechifying.

• McClellan spills the beans on Bush.
• Obama confuses two Nazi prison camps, the Right declares him unfit to lead.
• Al-Qaeda calls for WMD attacks on the West.
• Where else? “Max Hardcore” on trial for obscenity in Tampa.
• Look who’s on Facebook now …
• The “Zero Punctuation” guy slows down for an interview.
• “True Romance: 15 Years Later.”
• Slice & Dice: The Macbook Air.

You’re a grand old flag …

• Israeli newspaper claims Bush will bomb Iran before the end of his term.
• Clinton claims lead in popular vote, but only if you use Hillary Math.
• Obama leads Clinton 55-39 nationally among Dems in yesterday’s Gallup poll.
• Can someone please teach Bill Kristol how to do research before he helps mislead us into a costly and destructive war? Nevermind.
• Sore loser: Geraldine Ferraro.
• Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester goes from being treated for cancer to throwing a no-hitter in two short years.
• Yawn: Napster starts selling MP3s. That only took 8 years.
• Indy to shatter box office records?

Couch potatoes unite!

• The mother of the St. Pete courthouse gunman blames shootout on “antigovernment Web sites.”
• Clinton’s five big boo boos …
• … and her three options.
• Bush mucks with the FCC to help out his old buddy/election law-flouter John McCain.
• Toyota feels the sting of the U.S. economic slowdown.
• The high price of intelligence.
• The Olympic torch makes it to the protester-free summit of Mt. Everest.
• No GTA IV in India. Reason: a global shortage.

Our new hero. Have a good weekend everyone.

• Happy days are here again!
• It’s great that the convicted D.C. madam chose suicide over prison, but did she have to do it in the Bay area?
• The polls continue to tighten.
• More surprising: Obama’s proposed $15 billion tax on oil company profits, or the fact that $15 billion is only 10% of what the bastards walked away with last year?
• Bush makes history.
• Hot or not? Barbara Walters got in on with a married U.S. Senator back in the ’70s.
• Puff, Puff, Give: Smoking weed will not give you lung cancer, and it might even protect you from it.
  
• Bombs away! It’s raining babies in India.

Happy fifth anniversary.

• Obama takes a beating, still manages to pick up another Superdelegate.
• Hillary’s never had plastic surgery or heard of Red Bull, but she does have a thing for Honest Abe. Oh, and “testicular fortitude.”
• The experts agree: The McCain/Clinton gas tax holiday is a crap idea.
• The Bush Administration and the telecoms conspired to hide their illegal activities. Can’t we just give these nice Americans immunity already?
• Another Bay area teacher has been arrested after an inappropriate romantic relationship with a student. This time, however, the perp is male. Let’s execute him!
• Troxler gets robbed!
• First take: “Unlike the irreducible element that is its namesake, Iron Man the movie is an alloy, a combination of several different and disconnected components that don’t manage to unite to make a coherent whole.”
• A $199 iPhone? Don’t count your chickens just yet.

Hillary wins it!

• What does it all mean?
• “The Low Road to Victory.”
• What’s next?
• McCain’s lovin’ it.
• Delta loses billions.
• Bush breaks the record for lowest Gallup approval rating ever.
• The L.A. Times chops up “parodies of themselves” Pacino and DeNiro.
• Lost in real life. (Minus the smoke monster.)

Hey, who let the old guys on YouTube?

• Obama rakes in $40 mil in March. Hillary score half that.
• Citing the agency’s ineffectiveness against natural causes, McCain turns down secret service protection.
• 81% of Americans feel nation should pull over, ask for directions.
• Why King’s dream still matters.
• Moqtada al-Sadr plans “million-strong” march in Najaf to protest American occupation of Iraq, disprove old axiom about safety in numbers.
• Bush gets no love from the historians.
• Tampa Bay: Home to sun, sand and porn fantasy camp.
• Scientists and DOT professionals plan an experiment to determine the point at which human beings explode by closing a northbound lane on the Howard Frankland for three days next week during the daytime.

Yesterday’s viral video today …

• A possible compromise in the Florida delegate clusterfuck bubbles to the surface.
• Bush’s final NATO summit is marked by success and failure.
• Caffeine does the body good.
• The mark of leadership: Are those new sneakers I see?
• See honey, 5 minutes is ideal!
• Seinfeld — The Lost Episode: The Car Wreck.
• The iPhone shortage: Is a new model on the way or is the gray market taking over.
• “I’ve turned into the Rolling Stones of hip-hop.”

Greatest last five seconds to a crappy cell phone video ever!

• Yesterday’s Obama race speech was a hit.
• Bush: Iraq was was worth it. (In fairness to the Prez, what’s he supposed to say?)
• Mediocre radio slugfest: MJ battles Bubba.
• Much to Joe Francis’ delight, Ashley Alexandra Dupre went “Wild” four years ago.
• Not a Scientologist: Will Smith.
• Tina Fey smacks The Daily Show.
• R.I.P. Arthur C. Clarke.
• R.I.P. Anthony Minghella.

“Without telecom immunity, how will the government know what you are telling your grandma over the videophone?”

• Bush tempers his absurd demands for telecom immunity and more war money with a request for increased AIDS funding. One out of three ain’t bad.
• McCain says “Obama doesn’t know Al-Qaeda is in Iraq!” Obama responds: “Of course I do, John, you helped put them there.”
• Is McCain a “natural-born” citizen? It’s not as open and shut as you think.
• Bloomberg bows out before he was even in.
• It’s always an event when Keith Richards talks to the press.
• Apple prepares the iPhone development roadmap.
• Time to upgrade those contact lenses?
• Best Onion headline of 2008 (so far): Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results of 2008 Election Early.

“And if you get in my way, I will destroy you!“

• Wisconsin, Hawaii vote today. Do I smell a Clinton comeback?
• Clinton plans to go after Obama’s pledged delegates. But they can’t go against the will of the voters, right? Wrong.
• On Jan. 29, the U.S. military struck al-Qaeda inside Pakistan without the Musharraf government’s permission. Didn’t Bush just rip Obama for saying he’d do exactly this?
• Shhhhh! U.S. banks “quietly” borrowing billions from the Federal Reserve.
• Do I detect a pattern? Another Hillsborough sheriff has been caught on tape abusing a prisoner at the Orient Road jail.
• Worried about Internet predators fondling little Billy? You can calm down.
• Lindsay Lohan bares all for a Marilyn-insipred photo shoot. Drug-related suicide is now on deck.
• Get well soon: Dick Fletcher.

(Photo Credit: Nrbelex)

Our turn.

• McCain and Romney battle to the finish.
• Goodnight Rudy.
• How goes the vote?
• Way to go Dems! Love your electoral strategy of screwing Florida’s voters.
• And how long is this whole primary season going to continue, anyway?
• Facing an uprising by its rank-and-file members, California’s teachers union holds off endorsing Hillary.
• Break out the party hats! Bush gave his final State of the Union address last night. Too bad it was so overshadowed by the race to replace him.
• The best political reporting anywhere: The Onion.

“I don’t see this ‘paradox’ you speak of.”

• The FED cuts the overnight lending rate by 75 basis points, the stock market’s tanking and Bush wants to give low-income people cash money. Is this this apocalypse?
• Paging Dr. Strangelove: “The first use of nuclear weapons must remain in the quiver of escalation as the ultimate instrument to prevent the use of weapons of mass destruction.”
• Another day, another Democratic debate. Watching both party’s candidates makes me ponder a one-way trip to Canada.
• Rudy falls behind in New York. It makes sense; they know him best.
• HBO unveils a “free” broadband download service that’ll only run you $52 a month.
• Where’s the coldest place in the universe? Hint: Take I-95 north until you see nothing but Red Sox hats.
• Brady’s hurt! Brady’s hurt! Will the gamesmanship ever end?
• Hide the beer: Kiefer Sutherland is back on the streets after 48 days in jail.

“No, we’ll be taking a piece of the Middle East and keeping it. What did ya think I meant?”

• Traffic alert: I-4 remains closed as authorities continue to clean the wreckage from yesterdays 75+ car pile-up.
• The primaries roll on: McCain and Hillary ride the wave of the victor, Obama picks up the support of a key Nevada labor union and Sen. John Kerry, and Richardson looks for the exits.
• Bush predicts Mideast peace treaty before the end of his term. Is there a Vegas line on this one?
• First step to Mideast peace: Drop 40,000 lbs of explosives in 10 minutes outside of Baghdad.
• The next frontier in the real estate collapse: Commercial property.
• Who’s in favor of filtering the Internet? I mean, other than Microsoft, NBC and AT&T.
• Blu-ray or HD DVD? The porn industry decides …
• Retirement for the A-Train?

Coming soon to a country near you …

• Bill & George H.W.: On the road again?
• “Obama attended a Muslim school … and I mean that in only the nicest way possible!“
• Just for Hussey: Christoper Hitchens on why Huckabee sucks.
• Bush declares state of the economy as “pretty good.” Begin hoarding food!
• Bob Hite gets probation.
• Debbie Lafave back in court. But why did the Times run two photos?
• Jay & Conan back on the air Jan. 2.
• Oh, and the Writer’s Guild says ‘no way’ to its members writing the Oscar and Golden Globe telecasts. Yes, it’s true: People are paid good money to write that horrific award-show patter.

“That is a good question. I’ll ask him and let you know if Jesus can make a rock so big that even he can’t lift it.”

• Romney: “Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God.” God: “Please leave me out of your desperate attempt to pander to the Republican base.”
• Not the shopping frenzy businesses were hoping for: A 19-year-old kid from Omaha shoots up a Nebraska shopping mall, killing eight and himself.
• Hillary’s lead in South Carolina dwindles to nothing.
• Waste, graft, hubris: Welcome to The Department of Homeland Security.
• Bush lied about when he saw the N.I.E. that states Iran suspended its nuke program in 2003. Let’s all shake our heads and do nothing about it.
• Cheney rips house Dems as dickless losers henpecked by the little lady who runs the place. I’m paraphrasing, of course.
• Did the Supersize Me guy find Osama bin Laden?
• A how-to on picking an environmentally friendly Christmas tree.

“Luke, I am your great, great, great, great grandfather.”

• Hit me!
• An 87-year-old Sarasota woman gets trashed.
• Genetic scientists get into some monkey business.
• Speaking of which: The “Skunk Ape” is back.
• The General’s days are probably numbered …
• … and W still can’t admit a mistake.
• If e-mail really is obsolete, what will all the spammers do now?
• Today’s the Great American Smoke Out, and CL is here to help. Send all unwanted cigarettes to our office and I’ll make sure they are properly disposed of.