The Political Whore

Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

• McCain is quite healthy — for someone who could die of natural causes at any moment.
• Not so fast gay couples in California …
• Hillary’s next move: handing out pitchforks and torches.
• Hot rumor: Hillary asked to be V.P., and Obama said no.
• Driving this Memorial Day weekend? Better get a loan.
• China and Russia band together in opposition to U.S missile defense.
• Texas: The land of big hats, big trucks, and big time illegal child seizures.
• Tarantino gives a great fuckin’ lecture at Cannes.

A lion in winter.

• A split decision in Kentucky and Oregon, but Obama clinches the pledged delegate majority.
• Hillary now $31 million in debt. Maybe she is the right person to steward the economy after all.
• Going to see Barack in Tampa today? Arrive early.
• “This will make Watergate look like Child’s Play.”
• Israel holds peace talks with Syria. Who knew the Israelis were so reckless and inexperienced?
• Sell your Apple stock: They just opened a store in Brandon.
• The NFL owners opt out of the league’s labor contract. This type of brinkmanship worked so well for professional hockey.
• Chupe mantequilla de mi culo!

(Photo Credit: Brian Finifter)

What will you do with your government stimulus check?

• Barack’s “victory lap.”
• Hillary just keeps on campaigning.
• “Dear Barack, why are you being such a stickler for the rules?”
• Let the Lebanese civil war commence.
• Citigroup to trim about $400 billion worth of fat.
• WTF: The 3-year old St. Pete boy who has never fallen asleep.
• Your Lost recap. (I have to start watching the show alone so I can hear over all the people in the room bad-mouthing it as it plays.)
• Dude, that’s not what we meant by “head shop.”

Russert called it, so you know it must be over.

• Split decision …
• … but Hillary’s running out of options.
• Breaking down the “Limbaugh Effect.”
• Ron Paul just keeps on runnin’.
• The Unlucky 13: Florida banks living on the edge.
• Bill Gates predicts the future.
• The Rays new stadium: The windup before the pitch.
• Turns out the White House was fond of recycling their e-mail backup tapes.

Happy fifth anniversary.

• Obama takes a beating, still manages to pick up another Superdelegate.
• Hillary’s never had plastic surgery or heard of Red Bull, but she does have a thing for Honest Abe. Oh, and “testicular fortitude.”
• The experts agree: The McCain/Clinton gas tax holiday is a crap idea.
• The Bush Administration and the telecoms conspired to hide their illegal activities. Can’t we just give these nice Americans immunity already?
• Another Bay area teacher has been arrested after an inappropriate romantic relationship with a student. This time, however, the perp is male. Let’s execute him!
• Troxler gets robbed!
• First take: “Unlike the irreducible element that is its namesake, Iron Man the movie is an alloy, a combination of several different and disconnected components that don’t manage to unite to make a coherent whole.”
• A $199 iPhone? Don’t count your chickens just yet.

Dude, you gotta read your deed restrictions.

• Obama cuts off the ravin’ Rev.
• Mrs. Irrelevant.
• U.S. preps military action against a “hostile” Iran. I’d suggest “Operation: National Suicide” as a title.
• U.S. economy staves off recession with .6% growth. I feel better, don’t you?
• Figuring out the rice shortage. (Hint: The problem isn’t just ethanol.)
• Al Franken finally pays his taxes.
• Paula Abdul’s got issues with her short-term memory.
• Lede of the week: “A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.”

Who said it? Can you match the quote to the name below?

• “… my general feeling is that the recession will be longer and deeper than most people think.”
• “I would hope that we could bring them all home. …”
• “At the heart of my approach is a simple belief. … Middle-class families are paying too much and oil companies aren’t paying their fair share to help us solve the problems at the pump.”
• “The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter… as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to officials in the cultural arena.”
• “It all adds up to a new level of depth for an interactive entertainment experience.”
• “Indictment should also be against Sony and Microsoft which are making this pornographic game available to minors, and openly so, on their PS3 and Xbox systems.”
• “Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought it was really cool. That’s what she wanted me to do, and you can’t say no to Annie. … I think it’s really artsy. It wasn’t in a skanky way.”

A. Jack Thompson

B. John McCain

C. Seth Schiesel

D. A complete fucking liar Miley Cyrus

E. Warren Buffett

F. Hillary Clinton

G. Iranian Prosecutor General, Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi

(Photo Credit: Aymlis)

Anybody got a quarter I can borrow?

• Clinton gets a cash infusion …
• … And invents new math to put her ahead in the popular vote.
• Gen. David Petraeus gets a big promotion, moves to Tampa.
• Florida lawmakers propose a Christian license plate. Can the Satan license plate be far behind?
• Ford turns a profit!
• “The surviving baby raccoon, named Miracle by veterinarians, is being treated at a local animal hospital.”
• And the world’s most Googled woman is …
• Apple preps for the coming iPod slump.

Hillary wins it!

• What does it all mean?
• “The Low Road to Victory.”
• What’s next?
• McCain’s lovin’ it.
• Delta loses billions.
• Bush breaks the record for lowest Gallup approval rating ever.
• The L.A. Times chops up “parodies of themselves” Pacino and DeNiro.
• Lost in real life. (Minus the smoke monster.)

Prediction: Hillary by 8.*

• What does it all mean? Five things to pay attention to when watching primary results tonight.
• Cash crunch: Obama is flush while Hillary is drowning in debt.
• A match made in heaven: Bush & Deal or No Deal.
• Oil: Still cheaper than a fake Marilyn Monroe sex tape.
• Happy birthday DARPA.
• Earth Day hits the funny pages.
• Gas is so expensive, Bay area residents are actually riding the bus.
• First the Harry Potter chick, now it’s “racy” pictures of Miley Cyrus.

* – Prediction arrived at by determining what Clinton margin of victory would be the most inconclusive. 8 points is short of the blowout Team Hillary needs, but it’s not close enough for Obama to declare victory.

I’m ashamed to be an American today.

• “Worst. Debate. Ever.”
• Clinton comes out guns ablazin’, Obama ducks and covers.
• Is Barack electable? “Yes, yes, yes.”
• Consensus: Chuck & George sucked big time. They were so bad, they were heckled.
• They were so bad ABC’s viewers noticed and flooded their website.
• They were so bad Philly.com wrote them an open letter detailing the shame they brought upon the media. (Man, if you make the media feel ashamed …)

IN OTHER NEWS:

• The dollar just keeps on sinking.
• Pope calls dozens of priests molesting hundreds of children “a deep shame.” Dozens of priests call it “a good time.”
• PS – The abused aren’t really down with the pontiff’s mea culpa.
• Joe Lieberman ready to rock the Republican convention?
• The father of Chaos Theory dies in Massachusetts, rain is reported in Tokyo.
• Chug! Chug! Chug!: A chemical used to make plastic water bottles may be killing you.
• Now that’s a nice cruise ship.

(Photo Credit: Daquella Manera)

Dear Penn-heads,

You have a lovely state there in the northeast. I’ve traveled through it many times and, aside from the large swatches of territory completely destroyed by 20th-century industry (Hello Pittsburgh!), the natural beauty Pennsylvaniaites gaze upon daily is inspiring. Plus, the preservation of a hole Ben Franklin used as a toilet when he lived in Philadelphia shows you have great reverence for history and the nation in which we live.

Tonight, Philadelphia plays host to another shit-filled bottomless pit when the Democratic presidential primary debate between Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and Sen. Hillary Clinton of Illinois Arkansas New York Scranton comes to town. This will be the 21st such meeting of the candidates. What you guys hope to glean about these two that you did not pick up on in the previous 20 debates is a mystery to me, but I admire your thoroughness.

Next Tuesday, you will take the knowledge acquired this evening to the polls and select the person you want to run against Republican John McCain in the fall. Like many votes, this one will be completely meaningless. Just to fill you in on what’s happened so far: Barack Obama has already won the nomination and no one wants to tell Hillary Clinton it’s over. He’s won twice as many states, building an insurmountable lead in both the popular vote and the pledged delegates in the process. So, the charade continues and the fine people of Pennsylvania are subjected to wall-to-wall campaign advertising, news reports and talking head rants.

You, great voter of Pennsylvania, have a rare and historic opportunity. You can end this soul-eating Bataan Death March of a primary season by rejecting Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and granting Barack Obama a surprise victory in your state. This is your moment to shine PA! If you don’t step up and send Hillary back to the Senate, Indiana’s just going to do it in three weeks anyway. Why let those Hoosier assholes steal your glory? Do the right thing and end the primary season. The nation will be forever in your debt.

Thank you,
Joe Bardi

Hell hath no fury …

• Clinton vs. Obama: Round 21 tonight.
• The Senate passes a bill giving billions to auto makers and the airlines under the guise of helping struggling homeowners.
• Chris Matthews for Senate?
• Hillsborough Election Supervisor Buddy Johnson’s got some explaining to do.
• More on those tasty McCain family recipes stolen from the Food Network. When all else fails, blame the interns.
• Oil: Still cheaper than owning your own island.
• Only 17 days until “Shutdown Day.” Have you finished your shopping yet?
• With child: Ashlee Simpson.

Hey, who let the old guys on YouTube?

• Obama rakes in $40 mil in March. Hillary score half that.
• Citing the agency’s ineffectiveness against natural causes, McCain turns down secret service protection.
• 81% of Americans feel nation should pull over, ask for directions.
• Why King’s dream still matters.
• Moqtada al-Sadr plans “million-strong” march in Najaf to protest American occupation of Iraq, disprove old axiom about safety in numbers.
• Bush gets no love from the historians.
• Tampa Bay: Home to sun, sand and porn fantasy camp.
• Scientists and DOT professionals plan an experiment to determine the point at which human beings explode by closing a northbound lane on the Howard Frankland for three days next week during the daytime.

Yesterday’s viral video today …

• A possible compromise in the Florida delegate clusterfuck bubbles to the surface.
• Bush’s final NATO summit is marked by success and failure.
• Caffeine does the body good.
• The mark of leadership: Are those new sneakers I see?
• See honey, 5 minutes is ideal!
• Seinfeld — The Lost Episode: The Car Wreck.
• The iPhone shortage: Is a new model on the way or is the gray market taking over.
• “I’ve turned into the Rolling Stones of hip-hop.”

Flashback Friday.

• The Hillary Deathwatch. (Don’t worry: They mean the candidate, not the person.)
• “This is like any other cover-up,” Mr. Remes said. “We’ve only scratched the surface.”
• Recession? Probably. Depression? No way.
• Now, where did I put that high-yield nuclear warhead?
• Did the latest al-Qaeda tape give the “attack” order?
• Man found dead, full of bullet holes and laying in U.S. 19 in South St. Petersburg.
• Is there anything better than recorded phone calls involving Courtney Love?
• Hack a Mac in “two minutes flat.”

Still alive.

• MSNBC’s kick-ass number cruncher Chuck Todd goes inside the latest poll numbers.
  
• The little lady should be seen and not heard: Clinton’s moneymen sent a letter to Nancy Pelosi telling her to shut her trap about superdelegate voting.
• Joe Klein floats Al Gore as the possible democratic nominee. Time to retire, Joe?
• McCain puts Russia squarely in the enemy category.
• The New York Post has linked Spitzer to a second call girl ring (“And There He Ho’s Again”) and provides details on the couple that ran Emperor V.I.P.
• Shuttle Endeavor zips by with a bang.
• The L.A. Times retracts their “Diddy did it” Tupac murder story. Puff is still guilty of murdering Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” for that shitastic Godzilla remake, though.
• Adobe’s Photoshop goes online in an “Express” version, and by “Express” they mean free.

(Photo Credit: Steve Rhodes)

oops.

• 4000.
• The surge just keeps on surging.
• Debate gamesmanship: Now Hillary’s not sure she can make it.
• The wisdom of Pat Buchanan: “No people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans.”
• Tampa Bay makes a play for a “world’s horniest teachers” designation.
• Google continues the push for a national wireless network.
• “As soon as I saw her coochie, I told Jason, this is special.”
• Britney Spears appears on TV and doesn’t completely suck. Call it a comeback?

Happy “Gangsta Thursday.”

• Hillary’s chances continue to narrow.
• Hey Tampa, Guess who’s coming to dinner? Why it’s Barack’s pastor, Rev. Wright.
• And speaking of wacky pastors, what’s Hillary got in her closet?
• Osama bin Laden uses his first message in months to bitch about cartoons. Praise Allah he’s never seen The Far Side.
• Today’s leading economic indicator: The decline of Starbucks.
• The cubicle turns 40.
• Indie video games take off with Crayon Physics Deluxe.
• How about them Cowboys!

“Clean up on aisle 1234-5678-9101-1121.”

• A security breach at Hannaford Bros. Supermarkets (owners of 109 Sweetbay stores in Florida) “exposed 4.2 million credit and debit card numbers and led to 1,800 cases of fraud.”
• Hillary is going to win big in Pennsylvania and there’s nothing Obama can do to stop it.
• No re-vote for Florida.
• CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey has Obama up 52-45 nationally.
• This November, vote to shift your property tax burden to the backs of the poor.
• Meet the new boss: The new New York governor and his wife both admit extramarital affairs.
• Real conservative guys: Wall Street gets a massive government bailout. Main Street? Not so much.
• The Dali Lama threatens to resign. Can reincarnated Gods actually step down?

(Photo credit: Porkfork6. Porkfork is a St. Pete resident who has taken some great pictures of Weedon Island and Roser Park. Check out his Flickr page.)

St. Pete’s Scientologists have a request for a restraining order against street protesters “Anonymous” denied by a Pinellas judge, and almost immediately the bomb squad is called in to investigate a suspicious package (which turns out to be nothing). Coincidence?

• USA Today ponders if Hillary is about to sink the Democratic party.
• The media digs into Obama’s past, with stories on his inspirational mother and his vitriolic ex-pastor.
• After a busy night, Ashley Alexandra Dupre deletes her MySpace and Facebook pages.
• Stop this thing, I want to get off.
• What’s your credit score? Does it matter? What is a “credit score,” anyway?
• The Harry Potter box office finale: One is not enough.
• Does the quit-smoking pill Chantix lead some people to suicide, or is that just the quitting smoking?
• Time Mag’s Lost wrap. Personally, I thought the “Desmond displaced in time” episode two weeks ago earned an A+, but the following week (”Ben loves Juliette”) sank to a melodramatic C-. Last night the show rebounded a bit, earning a solid B. Hey Lost producers: More A+ please!

(Photo of a bomb squad member in downtown St. Pete yesterday, by Loaf Account Executive James Ostrand)

Let us all now gawk at the woman Spitzer paid for sex.

• Could Spitzer’s frugality have led to his downfall?
• Hillary plots victory in Pennsylvania.
• In the wake of Adm. William Fallon’s resignation, Cent Com in Tampa cuts 1100 jobs.
• Of all the resignations this week, Geraldine Ferraro’s takes the prize for the most self-righteous.
• Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the mortgage crisis deepens.
• We’re killing the Internet with our love!
• The Rays and Yankees come to blows.
• Yes, they made a sequel to The Lost Boys … and Corey Feldman is in it!

“Mr. Sinbad! Mr. Sinbad! Do you have any comment about your trip to Kosovo with Hillary Clinton?“

• Good bye , Eliot Spitzer.
• Obama wins Mississippi, which doesn’t count toward the nomination since the state’s full of black people and Hillary didn’t win it.
• Spin control: Geraldine Ferraro.
• Leave it to the Dems to fight over what a “winner” is.
• Oil at $110 a barrel: Still less expensive than a new kidney.
• Your tax dollars at work: Tampa Rep. Victor Crist proposes a law regulating the amount of toilet paper in restaurant bathrooms. Square-sharing to remain legal.
• War with Iran? Not on Admiral William J. “Fox” Fallon’s watch! In other news: Fallon just resigned.
• Spokesperson Dana Perino comes clean on the Bush Administration’s monetary policy: “I’m under strict instructions, and have been from the beginning, to not talk about the dollar, and I’m not going to get fired to satisfy your question.”

Down goes Spitzer!

• Hillary: You can be my wingman any time. Obama: Bullshit, you can be mine.
• How hard is it to release a tax return?
• Fingers crossed: Karl Rove tells a group of college students that he expects to be indicted by the end of the year.
• Three shot, two dead in Camelot.
• Down goes Ooze and Schmooze!
• Can anyone define “natural selection” for me?
• Welcome home Warrick Dunn.
• SXSW is all a Twitter.

Not only does “spring ahead” suck, it might be bad for your health, too.

• Fresh off winning Wyoming, Obama dances with Ole’ Miss.
• Now Hillary, about that experience …
• Florida and Michigan Dems planning to mail it in?
• Without Walls Lakeland has a buyer … and it’s Without Walls Lakeland.
• A new website lets citizens rate the performance of individual police officers. The cops, naturally, are furious.
• The latest front in the war on drugs: Itty-bitty plastic bags.
• Welcome to Facebook, what’s your blood type?
• Sir Paul signs a huge deal, finally delivering his old mates to iTunes.

(Photo Credit: Bimsboy)

Thar she blows.

• Obama aide cries “monster” in Scotland, and she ain’t talking Nessie.
• Your vote is in the mail: Another option for a Florida Dem do-over.
• Emergency: We must have the election right away because Tom Hanks is bored!
• Dean’s DNC trounced by the Republican party in fundraising
• But the Republicans had better watch out because this guy may be stealing it all
• SF Bay Guardian wins $15.6 million judgment against Village Voice Media, also known as “some libertarian assholes in Phoenix”
• ABC News: If streaker on the soccer field gets hits, why not naked tree-hugging, too?
• Hillsborough to sex offenders: Get a move on.

Frontrunner.

• 10-0 since 2/5.
• Wisconsin exit polls foretell a rough ride for Hillary.
• Obama leads Clinton by 14 points nationally.
• On to Texas and Ohio.
• Jon Stewart battens down the Oscar hatches.
• Prepare to fire!
• Lunar eclipse tonight. Try to keep the howling to a minimum.
• Sharper Image files for bankruptcy. Now where will I get a deluxe foot massager-MP3 Player-food processor-that’s also a suitcase? (It makes a great gift!)

(Photo Credit: SEIU International)

“And if you get in my way, I will destroy you!“

• Wisconsin, Hawaii vote today. Do I smell a Clinton comeback?
• Clinton plans to go after Obama’s pledged delegates. But they can’t go against the will of the voters, right? Wrong.
• On Jan. 29, the U.S. military struck al-Qaeda inside Pakistan without the Musharraf government’s permission. Didn’t Bush just rip Obama for saying he’d do exactly this?
• Shhhhh! U.S. banks “quietly” borrowing billions from the Federal Reserve.
• Do I detect a pattern? Another Hillsborough sheriff has been caught on tape abusing a prisoner at the Orient Road jail.
• Worried about Internet predators fondling little Billy? You can calm down.
• Lindsay Lohan bares all for a Marilyn-insipred photo shoot. Drug-related suicide is now on deck.
• Get well soon: Dick Fletcher.

(Photo Credit: Nrbelex)

Watch out for falling debris.*

• The Florida connection to the Northern Illinois University shooting? The gunman’s dad lives in Lakeland.
• M&M Twins: Mitt endorses McCain.
• The Supers are starting to shift to Barack, as are the giant labor unions. Plus, he’s got the lead in a new poll out of Texas.
• More prognostications of Hillary’s demise, this time from Peggy Noonan in the WSJ.
• Will Obama’s Chicago ties derail his electoral chances?
• Today’s friend of torture: Joe Lieberman.
• Hot Rumor: Al Pacino’s on board for a cameo as the head baddie in the next Bond flick. Hoo-Ah!
• Alicia Keys = Prince?

*Satellite depicted is not the one being blown out of the sky by the Pentagon. Photo credit: PRNewsFoto/Space Systems/Loral.

Hey, PoHo blog peeps, will you be our valentine?

• America loves Obama!
• But Ohio still loves Hillary!
• Huckabee loves the Cayman Islands!
• Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson love the economy in ‘08!
• Space station astronauts love their firearms!
• Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia loves torture!
• Jane Fonda loves the C-word!
• Developers, Apple fanboys and me love the upcoming iPhone/iPod Touch developer’s kit!

“You stay away from me!”

• Civic pride: Tampa is mentioned on the Today show! I’m not from here: The subject was a Hillsborough County Sheriff caught on tape dumping a disabled man out of his wheelchair and onto the floor.
• Obama and McCain pile up the wins.
• A reporter asks Hillary why she hasn’t released her tax returns and she responds: “Sen. Obama has some questions to answer about his dealings with one of his largest contributors Exelon, a big nuclear power company; apparently he cut some deals behind closed doors to protect them from full disclosure of the nuclear industry.” Does this answer mean that a) Hillary believes that if she released her tax returns any questionable dealings Obama has had will pale in comparison; b) It’s nothing but negative attacks from from here on out; c) the reporter took the quote out of context, or d) this is the sound of the Clinton campaign imploding?
• Poetic justice? Secretary of Defense Robert Gates slips, falls, breaks his shoulder and is taken to Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
• Roger Clemens goes before congress, probably lying his injected ass off in the process.
• Spielberg quits his gig as artistic adviser to the 2008 Beijing Olympics after complaints about China by human rights groups.
• From blow-hard to blowback: Rush Limbaugh battles the right.
• The Force is strong with these animators.

Once Chief Brody, always Chief Brody.

• Obama wins Maine and Nebraska and Washington and Louisiana. Hell, he even won a Grammy.
• Clinton dumps her campaign manager and looks ahead to March. Is it too late?
• Amy Winehouse takes time off from rehab to win a few Grammys.
• Yahoo to Microsoft: Drop dead!
• Netflix jumps on the Blu-ray bandwagon.
• Hollywood scribes look to pen an ending to the writers strike.
• R.I.P. Roy “You’re gonna need a bigger boat” Scheider.
• R.I.P. Congressman Tom Lantos.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!!?”

• Clinton loans herself $5 mil, her staff is working for free and the next few primaries set up well for Obama. Panic time?
• McCain calls for calm, Rush continues to piss on his head anyway.
• If cash was votes, Obama would be running away with this thing.
• As the count goes on in New Mexico, the Brad Blog smells foul play.
• When the nation’s realtors say home prices are going to fall this year you know we’re in trouble.
• Point: How many undersea Internet cables servicing the Middle East have to be cut before we decide someone is actively cutting them? Will five do?
• Counterpoint: Wired claims this whole thing is an overblown conspiracy theory and some of the cables are failing for other reasons. Oh.
• A USF students being held on terrorism charges hires Al-Arian’s lawyer. Past performance is no guarantee of future results.
• Peter O. Knight Airport gets an upgrade.

(Photo by: Swaters)

UPDATE 1:  Romney’s out! [of the race, not gay]

UPDATE 2: The most chilling story I’ve seen in some time.

Super duper!

• Welcome to Super Tuesday. Get comfy, we’re gonna be here a while.
• The final polls are in. Obama and Romney lead in California; Clinton and McCain pulling away in New Jersey. Believe it or not?
• No deal to end the writers strike — yet.
• New York prepares for a Giant celebration.
• An even better catch than David Tyree’s.
• The iPhone and iPod Touch get a memory upgrade … but it’ll cost you.
• Things that “probably” don’t cause cancer: Mobile phones, coffee, breast implants. Rest easy Pam Anderson.
• DON’T CLICK THIS LINK! (I warned you.)

Our turn.

• McCain and Romney battle to the finish.
• Goodnight Rudy.
• How goes the vote?
• Way to go Dems! Love your electoral strategy of screwing Florida’s voters.
• And how long is this whole primary season going to continue, anyway?
• Facing an uprising by its rank-and-file members, California’s teachers union holds off endorsing Hillary.
• Break out the party hats! Bush gave his final State of the Union address last night. Too bad it was so overshadowed by the race to replace him.
• The best political reporting anywhere: The Onion.