The Political Whore

Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

• McCain is quite healthy — for someone who could die of natural causes at any moment.
• Not so fast gay couples in California …
• Hillary’s next move: handing out pitchforks and torches.
• Hot rumor: Hillary asked to be V.P., and Obama said no.
• Driving this Memorial Day weekend? Better get a loan.
• China and Russia band together in opposition to U.S missile defense.
• Texas: The land of big hats, big trucks, and big time illegal child seizures.
• Tarantino gives a great fuckin’ lecture at Cannes.

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A lion in winter.

• A split decision in Kentucky and Oregon, but Obama clinches the pledged delegate majority.
• Hillary now $31 million in debt. Maybe she is the right person to steward the economy after all.
• Going to see Barack in Tampa today? Arrive early.
• “This will make Watergate look like Child’s Play.”
• Israel holds peace talks with Syria. Who knew the Israelis were so reckless and inexperienced?
• Sell your Apple stock: They just opened a store in Brandon.
• The NFL owners opt out of the league’s labor contract. This type of brinkmanship worked so well for professional hockey.
• Chupe mantequilla de mi culo!

(Photo Credit: Brian Finifter)

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What will you do with your government stimulus check?

• Barack’s “victory lap.”
• Hillary just keeps on campaigning.
• “Dear Barack, why are you being such a stickler for the rules?”
• Let the Lebanese civil war commence.
• Citigroup to trim about $400 billion worth of fat.
• WTF: The 3-year old St. Pete boy who has never fallen asleep.
• Your Lost recap. (I have to start watching the show alone so I can hear over all the people in the room bad-mouthing it as it plays.)
• Dude, that’s not what we meant by “head shop.”

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Russert called it, so you know it must be over.

• Split decision …
• … but Hillary’s running out of options.
• Breaking down the “Limbaugh Effect.”
• Ron Paul just keeps on runnin’.
• The Unlucky 13: Florida banks living on the edge.
• Bill Gates predicts the future.
• The Rays new stadium: The windup before the pitch.
• Turns out the White House was fond of recycling their e-mail backup tapes.

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Happy fifth anniversary.

• Obama takes a beating, still manages to pick up another Superdelegate.
• Hillary’s never had plastic surgery or heard of Red Bull, but she does have a thing for Honest Abe. Oh, and “testicular fortitude.”
• The experts agree: The McCain/Clinton gas tax holiday is a crap idea.
• The Bush Administration and the telecoms conspired to hide their illegal activities. Can’t we just give these nice Americans immunity already?
• Another Bay area teacher has been arrested after an inappropriate romantic relationship with a student. This time, however, the perp is male. Let’s execute him!
• Troxler gets robbed!
• First take: “Unlike the irreducible element that is its namesake, Iron Man the movie is an alloy, a combination of several different and disconnected components that don’t manage to unite to make a coherent whole.”
• A $199 iPhone? Don’t count your chickens just yet.

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Dude, you gotta read your deed restrictions.

• Obama cuts off the ravin’ Rev.
• Mrs. Irrelevant.
• U.S. preps military action against a “hostile” Iran. I’d suggest “Operation: National Suicide” as a title.
• U.S. economy staves off recession with .6% growth. I feel better, don’t you?
• Figuring out the rice shortage. (Hint: The problem isn’t just ethanol.)
• Al Franken finally pays his taxes.
• Paula Abdul’s got issues with her short-term memory.
• Lede of the week: “A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.”

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Who said it? Can you match the quote to the name below?

• “… my general feeling is that the recession will be longer and deeper than most people think.”
• “I would hope that we could bring them all home. …”
• “At the heart of my approach is a simple belief. … Middle-class families are paying too much and oil companies aren’t paying their fair share to help us solve the problems at the pump.”
• “The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter… as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to officials in the cultural arena.”
• “It all adds up to a new level of depth for an interactive entertainment experience.”
• “Indictment should also be against Sony and Microsoft which are making this pornographic game available to minors, and openly so, on their PS3 and Xbox systems.”
• “Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought it was really cool. That’s what she wanted me to do, and you can’t say no to Annie. … I think it’s really artsy. It wasn’t in a skanky way.”

A. Jack Thompson

B. John McCain

C. Seth Schiesel

D. A complete fucking liar Miley Cyrus

E. Warren Buffett

F. Hillary Clinton

G. Iranian Prosecutor General, Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi

(Photo Credit: Aymlis)

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Anybody got a quarter I can borrow?

• Clinton gets a cash infusion …
• … And invents new math to put her ahead in the popular vote.
• Gen. David Petraeus gets a big promotion, moves to Tampa.
• Florida lawmakers propose a Christian license plate. Can the Satan license plate be far behind?
• Ford turns a profit!
• “The surviving baby raccoon, named Miracle by veterinarians, is being treated at a local animal hospital.”
• And the world’s most Googled woman is …
• Apple preps for the coming iPod slump.

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Hillary wins it!

• What does it all mean?
• “The Low Road to Victory.”
• What’s next?
• McCain’s lovin’ it.
• Delta loses billions.
• Bush breaks the record for lowest Gallup approval rating ever.
• The L.A. Times chops up “parodies of themselves” Pacino and DeNiro.
• Lost in real life. (Minus the smoke monster.)

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