PopSmart

Since my daughter was born, every year we watch the Rankin-Bass “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer” special, and every year, I have questions for it, particularly regarding the Island of Misfit Toys. Here are just a few:

1) What is the standard for being a misfit toy? It seems pretty inconsistent. Some of the playthings have mild “nonconformities” (to quote Sam the Snowman), like the polka-dot elephant, the cowboy who rides an ostrich, etc. Others, like “the boat that doesn’t float” or the train with square wheels on its caboose, don’t seem like misfit toys. They just seem like crappy, defective toys. Next thing you know, China will be sending barges full of recalled lead-containing toys to the island. “We’re all misfits!”

2) Why isn’t “King Moonracer” more help? Apparently the flying lion (who seems a little like Narnia’s Aslan) travels the world, finds unwanted toys and brings them to an arctic island that’s like a frozen leper colony. When Rudolph, Hermie and Yukon Cornelius arrive, he asks them to tell Santa Claus about the toys’ plight. But why can’t King Moonracer tell Santa HIMSELF? You can fly, dude! Isn’t not like the North Pole is that far away. It didn’t take Rudolph and company very long to get to the island, and they were on a frickin’ ice floe.

3) Does it really matter that Charlie-in-a-Box is named “Charlie?” Are kids really that hung up on having their Jack-in-a-Box be named “Jack?” I would suggest that Charlie simply “pass” as a Jack by changing his name, but maybe that would send the wrong message. At least he has the integrity to admit that he’s a Charlie, rather than live a lie and spend his life, you know, in the box.

4) What’s so bad about a gun that shoots jelly? It’s supposed to be a TOY. Would you rather give your kids an automatic that fires Teflon-coated bullets?

5) What exactly is wrong with the “Dolly For Sue?” She looks like a perfectly normal rag doll and, as the song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” points out, she can even say “How do you do.” Does she have a “nonconformity” that doesn’t visibly show? Is she anatomically incorrect in a disturbing way? Does she have some kind of psychological disorder, like the dolls that try to kill their owners in all those horror movies? Apparently on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” producer Arthur Rankin said that the Misfit Doll was abandoned by her mistress and suffered from depression. Hmm, I’m unconvinced.

Finally, if you’re a fan of “Lost,” you’ll probably enjoy this.

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