The Tube: Reality Bites
June 26th, 2007 by Joel Rozen in News
This story will appear in tomorrow’s CL.
Television execs know America loves a good battle, and the networks are delivering this summer with a slew of reality game shows so chock full o’ prepackaged drama a single night away from the tube could mean instant death for not one, but several of your favorite contestants. With all the dance-offs and model-offs and cook-offs and love-offs (not to mention pirate-offs) beaming down to your satellite dish, you’ll have to draw the line somewhere — no easy feat.
Which is why your zombie-eyed friends at CL have done the work for you. We’ve ranked the new shows, all 1,458 of them, from worst to best, so you can avoid the clunkers and cut straight to the guilty-pleasure gold. Here are a few memorable outtakes — enduring the whole list would be like watching one episode of Kathy Griffin, and we’re not willing to be resposible for such things.
822. On The Lot (FOX, Tues. 8 p.m.) Steven Spielberg’s new brainchild, in which 18 Hollywood aspirants vie for a million-dollar contract with Dreamworks. If this is anything like our college filmmaking class, you can expect three things: overblown egos, looooooooong screenings with pretentious shots of men applying makeup and a whole lotta backne.
410. So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, Wed. 8 p.m.) The bastard child of Dancing with the Stars and American Idol, this BBC import is back for a third season. No, we don’t think we can dance, but we’re happy to laugh at those who do.
347. Pirate Master (CBS, Thurs. 8 p.m.) It’s an elaborate hunt for gold, mateys, with confusing rules galore and hotties in bandannas. No Depp? No Knightley? No dice.
291. Age of Love (NBC, Mon. 9 p.m.) Another totally sexist bachelor show, as 20-year-old “kittens†face off against “cougars†two decades their senior. Eye on the prize, ladies: Who wouldn’t want to take tennis star (and former Longboat Key-er) Mark Philippoussis’ name?
102. America’s Got Talent (NBC, Tues. 8 p.m.) Really, the only exciting thing about this Gong Show-knockoff is the behind-the-music weirdness of its judging panel. Moesha got slapped with a wrongful death lawsuit; unflappable Sharon Osbourne took her place. Regis got a clue and stopped hosting; Jerry Springer … well, the annual Bird Key talent show had run its course.
35. The Next Best Thing (ABC, Wed. 8 p.m.) Interesting, if somewhat creepy, premise: a competish featuring celebrity impersonators — Arthur Fonzarelli, Angelina, Al Pacino — judged by a trio of non-stars. Not to be confused with the bewildering Madonna dramedy of the same title.
3. Top Chef (Bravo, showtimes vary) CL food critic Brian Ries swears by this show, now boiling through Season 3. The kitchenmeisters bring their inimitable talents to Miami this time — food poisoning on the side, por favor.
2. Shaq’s Big Challenge (ABC, Tues. 9 p.m.) Though we all know Shaq should really be doing a cop show, we’ll have to settle for watching him help kids lose weight. Baby fat be gone! Kazaam!
1. Hey Paula (Bravo, Thurs. 10 p.m.) Not a game show in the traditional sense, though if P-Ab’s ongoing battle against her own confused psyche isn’t to some degree about strength, courage and cunning, we don’t know what is. If you’re not curious, you’re probably dead.
Leave a Reply