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As the writers’ strike continues, Creative Loafing has assigned itself the unenviable task of watching the dreck the networks are pumping out. We will do this until it hurts. Then we will do it more.

The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9 p.m.)

Last night marked a particular low in my week of crap viewing: The Celebrity Apprentice, that wretched seventh season of Donald Trump’s reality dabbling, entered my eat-in living room.

I’ll present my field notes in a sec, but first, a disclaimer for those of you who might think I’m unbiased: I don’t like “The Donald,” never have, and I don’t much care for the real estate tycoon’s expanding TV presence, either. His trademark machismo, that masturbatory way he shrinks people when he talks to them, is perhaps the diametric opposite of what I like in my moneyed leaders; his blunt interest in trashing his adversaries always felt like capitalism at its most primitive.

Basically, I think he’s a baboon.

The baboon’s latest outing — which, if you read the headlines, was a last-ditch effort to save The Apprentice from low-ratings extinction — has everything The Apprentice had and smashes it with elements of The Surreal Life: In short, it’s an opportunity for the rich and desperately washed-up to try impressing with their business savvy. Judging them this season, Trump Organization VP George Ross, Trump Organization lackey Donald Trump, Jr. and Ivanka Trump, who is currently Vice President of Real Estate Development and Acquisitions for the Trump Organization and who is so blazingly hot she deserves her own post.

Re: the contestants, well, let’s see how many of the 13 names you recognize: Trace Adkins, Carol Alt, Stephen Baldwin, Jennie Finch, Nely Galán, Marilu Henner, Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Omarosa, Tito Ortiz, Vincent Pastore, Gene Simmons and Nadia Comaneci. I knew 11! (Okay, you caught me. I knew four.)

It’s boys vs. girls on this show, Team Hydra vs. Team Empresario, which is not only wrong in terms of gender, but just plain wrong when you do the research and realize that “Empresario” was once a colonialist term with still-oppressive connotations given to Americans settling Mexican territory during the creation of the state of Texas. I’m just sayin’.

At the start of the second episode, Team Hydra is in the lead, having won the premiere’s Sabrett hot dog challenge. So when the baboon introduces his new challenge, to create a “heartwarming,” 30-second TV ad for Pedigree dog adoption charity, male ego was abundant.

Former KISS master Gene Simmons, who still fancies himself quite the ladies’ man despite his thick wrinkle lines from all those years of face-paint abuse, is voted project manager, and quickly assigns directorial responsibilities to the team’s showbiz veteran.

“I have been given a gift,” declares baby-faced Stephen Baldwin, youngest of the Baldwin clan. (And Christ is he annoying, I have to say. I mean, Gawd. His smug arrogance was almost enough to out-Alpha the show’s Alpha baboon.) Baldwin and Simmons are so sure of their talents, they elect to snub the Pedigree client instead of learning what his expectations are.

Back on XX-chomosomed turf, project manager/former Telemundo executive Nely opens Team Empresario’s meeting with group meditation. She’s weird, you see. Their team’s director is Marilu Henner, of Taxi fame, who now seems totally, flamingly unhinged. I remember seeing her in infomercials a few years ago touting her healthy living and exercise line and being amazed at how Chernobyl-like her mental state had become post-celebrity. By the looks of things, she hasn’t improved, deciding to incorporate off-camera narrative work into their Pedigree ad to give voice to the homeless dog experience. Trust me, the description makes it sound better than it is.

When Ivanka comes to audit Hydra’s progress, Simmons won’t give her access to the creative process: “She’ll wait,” he says. Then he accuses her of siding with their opponents, something about female solidarity. Ivanka’s pissed, which, I have to say, looks so good on her.

At this point, you’re probably thinking the guys are doomed, right? I thought so too, until I saw their finished video product.

Just kidding! It totally sucks, too. Baldwin decides to cash in on Lennox Lewis’ star image — “For me, celebrity is currency” is his explanation — and features the onetime heavyweight boxing champ in the TV ad, holding a puppy and smiling through clichés as big as he is about every dog needing a hero.

At judging, though, the baboon is mostly concerned with process and, initially, has it in for Simmons. “Gene!” he bellows when Ivanka delivers her report, his backwards-toupee all a-flap, flap, flap, “Did you insult my dawta? Did you insult my dawta?!”

Upon seeing the commercials, though, the judges are so smitten with Lennox Lewis and the dog that they unanimously award Team Hydra the victory.

That leaves it up to Nely to select two teammates for Trump’s consideration. She picks Carol Alt and Romanian former gymnast/Soviet import Nadia Comaneci, who showed neither initiative nor “competitive spirit” on the assignment — nor English-speaking abilities, from what I could tell. That triple-threat is too much for the baboon; “I love you, but Nadia, you’re fired,” he announces. The end.

And the Private Parts star lives to fight another day! At least until the show actually gets cancelled, that is.

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