the 941

As the writers’ strike continues, Creative Loafing has assigned itself the unenviable task of watching the dreck the networks are pumping out. We will do this until it hurts. Then we will do it more.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? (8 p.m., FOX), Don’t Forget the Lyrics (9 p.m., FOX)

I don’t know what’s most profoundly disturbing, the fact that a show entitled Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? exists, that Jeff Foxworthy’s tenure as host represents a freakish degree of kismet, or that Billy Bush was a contestant. But somewhere between the introduction of the Dubya cousin/Access Hollywood host and his anecdote about a mortifying grade school incident with an ice cream sandwich, the harsh reality hit. The South Park guys had it right. America. Fuck yeah.

It’s been four straight nights of craptastic tv, and I’m hurtin’, yo. Subjected to a precocious blonde girl with an “I’ll be dipped in shit!” mug on her face after learning of her rival’s political dynasty and Wayne Brady choking on his own musical schtick on Don’t Forget the Lyrics, my brain done imploded. I didn’t think it could get any worse than Howie Mandel and his Deal or No Deal suitcase harem. Or Bob Saget and “mobster” guest Oscar the Grouch on 1 vs. 100. Or Drew Carey moonlighting from his daytime Price is Right gig on Power of 10.

But, without the complex narrative thread stringing together such masterful network strokes as The Biggest Loser and Dance War, Jeff and Billy were left to their own, woefully wanting devices, and the chat about the frozen dessert ensued. “I can’t believe you just brought that up!” Bush feigned in shock (what, the pre-show interview didn’t tip you off, buddy?) before doing the fam proud by correctly answering how many consonants were in the English alphabet.

While self-professed redneck Foxworthy regaled audiences with talk of his cowboy boot-clad visit to the White House, Brady warbled his way through Don’t Forget the Lyrics. (Who would’ve though we would miss Who’s Line is It Anyway?) This is the real kicker, a competition that rewards its players not for their current events acumen or vocal prowess, but for knowing all the words to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

Yes, this is what it’s come to. Aging stand-up comedians, unable to land so much as a sitcom anymore (writers’ strike notwithstanding), hosting game shows that panders to the lowest common denominator. Come to think of it, that’s got quiz show written all over it. Coming soon to the CW, The Lowest Common Denominator, with your host Dave Coulier!

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

Bookmark to:

Posted in News | Leave a comment