the 941

Read the rest of the Chain Gang series here.)

I WAS AMAZED that Applebee’s, a chain that’s always seemed to me the restaurant equivalent of generic cigarettes or plain “cola,” topped the rankings. But there it was at the apex of chain achievement, almost justifying celebrity chef Tyler Florence’s soul-selling deal to pimp dishes for the place a few years ago.

Sadly – if only because of the potential shots I could take at Florence – the celeb’s branded Applebee creations no longer make an appearance on the menu. Instead, I was faced with an array of dishes that seemed distilled from every casual restaurant trope of the past two decades, stripped down like premium vodka into the most innocuous and repetitive fare on Earth. Of the 11 appetizers, seven are doused in cheese and six are deep fried. Some are both. There’re salads (all topped by meat), pasta, meat and sandwiches. Some of those are fried, too.

Applebee’s appetizer sampler – mozzarella sticks, boneless wings, spinach artichoke dip and quesadillas – is an exercise in intestinal fortitude, easily holding enough calories to satisfy a hearty Midwest farming family of four. After just a few bites, it became difficult to separate flavors amidst the influx of fat; two chews and I found myself trying to dissect if the crunch was wing or cheese breading, if the goo was mozzarella or mayo and asiago. Dinner at Applebee’s become more about discerning subtle gradations of deep-fried texture than appreciating flavor.

A shrimp and spinach salad was topped by darling, tiny shellfish that could easily have been sea monkeys that somehow escaped the inevitable bored flush that marks the end of all those pets. The hot bacon dressing, on the other hand, would have been rather tasty if it had been, well, hot.

Steak is one of Applebee’s “specialties,” which means that your sub-par slab of meat can be topped with a variety of flavor-deadening extras. Load ‘em up and you may be able to avoid noticing beef that manages to combine watery, spongy and chewy textures into one fell package. Maybe I should have stuck with the riblets.

RATING: 1 RIBLET (OUT OF 10)

(Photo courtesy Alana Elliott/flickr.)

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