the 941

This weekend, Hollywood will ask moviegoers to spend their disposable income on the latest whiz-bang summer blockbuster, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s a given that the movie will own the top spot at the box office (early tracking indicates huge fan interest), but does it have to be a record-breaking opening weekend? Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE! It’s not too late! You don’t have to line up with the lemmings. If you want to see a movie, check out Away We Go, which gets its Bay area premiere this weekend.

But you’re not going to heed my advice. Maybe you liked the first movie. Maybe you’ve got a thing for giant robots or Megan Fox. Or both. In that case, please read on:

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the latest assault on the senses from director Michael Bay. Bay specializes in pumped-up action flicks like The Rock, Bad Boys and Armageddon. Every movie Bay has ever made looks like it was shot during an earthquake. The frame bounces and skitters, the edits come fast and furious, the filmmaking itself an attempt to create a momentum where the stories and characters fail.

And fail they do. Revenge of the Fallen has a preposterous plot, involving the evil Decepticons’ plot to vaporize the sun using a giant bong hidden somewhere the Middle East. The humans are on hand to run around in front of explosions (Shia LeBeouf), look scared (Ramon Rodriguez) or both (Megan Fox). Everyone else mostly gets crushed by a rampaging robot. I realize that judging a movie like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on its plot or character development is absurd. This movie exists to showcase the latest and greatest in special effects technology. It’s a thrill ride, man!

But this is exactly where the movie blows it. Huge.

I defy anyone to explain to me what the hell is going on in any of Transformers action sequences, beyond simple descriptions like “the robots are fighting” or “the humans are running.” Part of this is the look of the robots: Besides Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and a few others, the rest of the Transformers all blend into one. The Decepticons in particular are all different shades of silver, making them nearly indistinguishable. Am I the only one who thinks they look like the talking trees from Lord of the Rings?

And when the robots fight — which they do often and at great length — I couldn’t tell you who was doing what to whom, which way they were going, if they were upside down or right-side up. Bay’s shakycam photography is cut together into milisecond blasts of visual chaos backed by a thousand watts of sound. It’s far more disorienting than thrilling.

Side note: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is debuting in IMAX as well as standard theaters. In the past, there have been reports of people becoming ill at IMAX screenings; the combination of a huge screen and fast movement is too much for some folks to handle. I would recommend theater owners stock up on the barf bags, because there’s going to be puking in the aisles.

I’m not saying there’s absolutely nothing to like here. I must admit a nostalgic attachment to the vocal stylings of Peter Cullen, the man behind Optimus Prime’s baritone. When Prime intones, “Fate rarely comes to us at a moment of our choosing,” my inner 12-year-old stirred. Bumblebee remains the most compelling Autobot (the good guys) besides Prime, his radio-clips-as-communication shtick still amusing. Certain elements of the sound design are cool. God, I think I’m already out of things I liked.

And what does it matter, anyway? For two and a half hours, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen offers noise, motion sickness and little more. No matter, as the public will line up in droves anyway. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I leave it to you.

Bookmark to:

Posted in Arts, Film | Leave a comment