Free Will Astrology: More than Crabby
June 29th, 2009 by Rob Brezsny in News, Sarasota-Manatee
Ed. note: This piece, by Rob Brezsny, will appear in this week’s issue of Creative Loafing.
CANCER
The Crab
(June 21-July 22)
The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, “People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh.” Now substitute the words “your splashy new ideas” for “Taoism” in Lao Tse’s quote and you’ll have your horoscope for this week, Cancerian. Remember what he said in another context: “No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it.”
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Nietzsche’s dictum might be useful for you to keep in mind right now, Leo: “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger.” Since I’m very sure that the turbulent waters through which you’re navigating will not kill you, I’m looking forward to all the ways this journey will upgrade your confidence. But there’s more to be gained. It’s also true that if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you wilder and kinder and smarter and more beautiful.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who’ll play you like a violin. And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that’s conspiring to seize political power following the events of Dec. 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. In fact, it’s more likely that you will soon meet a bright, forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): For years, I’ve remembered most of my dreams every night, so I’m good at spotting trends. And one of the themes that has arisen recently involves you Libras. Last week, I dreamed that three of my Libra friends were pole vaulting at the Olympics. Last night, I dreamed that four Libran celebrities climbed a gold ladder to a cafe on a cloud where they drank magic coffee that made wings sprout on their backs. Is my subconscious telling me that it’s prime time for you to raise your expectations and upgrade your goals?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Spiritual epiphany alert! Hope you don’t mind being awoken in the middle of your regularly scheduled life by a special delivery from the Great Beyond. It doesn’t matter if you’re a true believer or an unrepentant infidel — you will soon be invited to have one of your logical certainties torn out by the roots and replaced with a throbbing vision of cosmic whoopee. Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you’ve had since your last mudwrestle with the angel.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): While appearing on the TV show “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” ex-pro basketball player John Salley gave some advice I’d like to pass along. “When you see crazy coming your way,” he philosophized, “you should cross the street.” I do think crazy will be headed in your direction sometime soon, Sagittarius, and the best response you can make is to avoid it altogether, preferably in a way that it doesn’t notice you.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Everyone wants an extra piece of you these days, and they don’t necessarily care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be secretly pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you. Let me propose a compromise. How about letting three trustworthy people take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’re almost never one brick short of a load. Know what I’m saying? Your elevator almost always goes to the top floor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn you against playing with a deck of 51 cards. So I hope you won’t be offended when I say that it’s time to find that missing brick and service your elevator and buy a new deck. In other words, you’re due for your 40,000 mile check-up.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): magic (ma’ jik), n. 1) A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2) A willed transformation of one’s own state of mind. 3) A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4) Something that works, though no one understands why. 5) A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period July 1 through July 20, 2009.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Time to diversify your energy sources, Aries. It’s as if you’ve grown too dependent on oil, metaphorically speaking, and have neglected to develop relationships with wind turbines, solar panels, and other means of generating power. What if in the future, metaphorically speaking, oil becomes scarcer or wildly expensive? I suggest you start now to expand the variety of fuels you tap into. It’s a perfect moment to adjust your plans for your long-term energy needs.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your mirror may lie to you this week. A friend might neglect to share a crucial detail. Even heroes and normally reliable suppliers might not be completely there for you. Fortunately, I expect that secondary sources will come through. Other people’s mirrors may reveal a clue you haven’t been able to find in your own. Moral of the story: If you’re willing to be flexible and forswear all impulses to blame, you won’t be deprived of what you need.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Having discovered I can read the minds of animals, I’ve started a new sideline as a ghostwriter. Here’s an excerpt from an interview I did with Prestige, a potbellied pig born under the sign of Gemini. Brezsny: What do you like best about being a potbellied pig? Prestige: I get to eat like a pig, yet not be victimized by the negative judgments people usually project onto pigs. Brezsny: Is there anything you’re worried about? Prestige: I need to make my caretaker understand that for the next few weeks, we Geminis will need more than the usual amounts of food, love, attention, everything.
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