the 941

Let’s face it, Florida was built on wrinkles and white hair. It’s a blessing then that oldsters are among the least stressful, easy-going customers we have in the limo game, because they form a goodly portion of our business. Transferring them to and from airports and ship ports is mostly how we serve them, although occasionally there’s a celebratory dinner run.

I call those special gigs “5 to 9s.” Dinner at 5, in bed by 9.

Many old couples — seasoned citizens, in AARP PC-speak — appear to have common characteristics. The gentleman often has a hearing aid. He might even have two, and he hasn’t read the instruction manuel for either. His lady wife therefore has to translate for him, in the following way:

Mr. Seasoned Citzen: How’s the limo business going?

Me: Well, it’s slow. We’re down about 50 percent from last year.

Mr. SC: What’s that?

Mrs. Seasoned Citizen: He said it’s slow, Harry, down by half.

Mr. SC: Oh, that’s too bad.

The old farts are chatty, and want to talk, but it’s so laborious. Even if I SHOUT, the poor wife has to repeat every thing I say.

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Directed by Henri-Georges Clouzot
Starring Yves Montand, Charles Vanel, Véra Clouzot
France/ Italy, 1953
NR, 131 min
live action, black and white

It seems weird to claim that a genre peaked so early in it’s development, but the 1953 French film The Wages of Fear is the most intense action thriller I’ve ever seen. Remarkably, some even claim it to be the first action thriller. The set up is tailor-made: The protagonists are a cast of grifters who are indefinitely trapped in a fictional South American town due to the fact that the only way out of the town, by plane, costs more money than they have or can make. Out of desperation they take a dangerous, but highly profitable job from the government to drive some supplies out to a damaged stretch of oil pipeline 70 miles away. The catch? They’re transporting trucks full of nitroglycerin, the slightest jostle of which would replace their trucks with a smoldering crater. What this means is thrilling, high-tension automotive madness at 5 miles per hour. The audacity of the premise aside, the film’s pacing and characterization make this one of the most effective pieces of intense cinema ever, and it’s a slap to the face of modern actioners who lazily rely on their large scope and ADD editing to provide their thrills. 4.5 stars

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Here’s how it works: Tell us why you deserve free tickets for a night with your favorite glam-rockers, Aerosmith, and your favorite long-haired cowboys, ZZ Top, in the comments section below, then email us your contact information. We’ll announce our winner on Thurs., July 9!

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Ed. note: This piece was written by Editorial Intern Robert Johnson.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been a Kid Rock fan since 1998, when I showed up for his “Devil Without a Cause” video shoot at Showtime, Nashville’s seediest, hands-on strip joint. This was in a town known for its contradictory Buckle of the Bible Belt/seedy lapdance scene.

Kid Rock is all there. He’s dynamic, adaptable and non-conformist. He’s a badass. A skinny white dude, embodying the ego all us other guys have after a couple round of shots and the attentions of a pretty girl.

And his most recent hit “All Summer Long,” with Warren Zevon’s backbeat and Skynyrd’s twang, is, dare I say, alarmingly close to genius.

Which is why when Danielle, our CL Sarasota Director of Ops bestowed two VIP tickets with parking on me, I was psyched enough to pass a fragile veto on my girlfriend’s protests and take her along for the ride to Tampa. It turned into a tough sell.

A shortcut to VIP parking led us past that obscene massive stars and bars that flies at the junction of I-75 and I-4. On Saturday, it was the photo op of choice for concertgoers. Ugh.

Even worse? The pickup in front of me, which flew the same flag, and the obscenities the driver and passengers yelled at the black guy working his way through traffic. It was bad enough to cause me to give my tickets away.

Sieg Hiel, Kid Rock.

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Ed. note: This piece, by Rob Brezsny, will appear in this week’s issue of Creative Loafing.

CANCER
The Crab
(June 21-July 22)

The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, “People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh.” Now substitute the words “your splashy new ideas” for “Taoism” in Lao Tse’s quote and you’ll have your horoscope for this week, Cancerian. Remember what he said in another context: “No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Nietzsche’s dictum might be useful for you to keep in mind right now, Leo: “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger.” Since I’m very sure that the turbulent waters through which you’re navigating will not kill you, I’m looking forward to all the ways this journey will upgrade your confidence. But there’s more to be gained. It’s also true that if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you wilder and kinder and smarter and more beautiful.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who’ll play you like a violin. And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that’s conspiring to seize political power following the events of Dec. 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. In fact, it’s more likely that you will soon meet a bright, forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years.

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Ed. note: This piece, by Chuck Shepherd, will appear in this week’s issue of Creative Loafing.

LEAD STORY: Using GPS and state-of-the-art sonar, Columbia University researchers recently made the first comprehensive map of the wonders submerged in New York City’s harbors. Supplementing those findings with historical data, New York magazine reported the inventory’s highlights in May: a 350-foot steamship (downed in 1920), a freight train (derailed in 1865), 1,600 bars of silver (unrecovered since 1903), a fleet of Good Humor ice cream trucks (which form a reef for aquatic life), and so many junked cars near the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges that divers use them as underwater navigation points. Of most concern lately, though, are the wildlife: 4-foot-long worms that eat wooden docks and tiny “gribbles” that eat concrete pilings.

The Evolution of Democracy: 1. Kim Schroeder, running for vice president of the Milwaukee (Wis.) Teachers Education Association in May, promised a five-point program, with the first four being vows to make the union more aggressive toward the school board. His fifth point, he said, was “to make sure that there is … beer and wine available for our monthly Leaders’ Meetings.” (He lost.) 2. Josko Risa finished second in the election for mayor of Prozolac, Croatia (pop. 4,500), and was in a run-off on May 31 because of (or despite) his campaign pledge of (roughly translated) “All for Me, Nothing for You” (or, “It is definitely going to be better for me, but will be the same for you”). (Run-off results from Croatia were not widely reported.)

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Ed. note: This piece, by Taylor Eason, will appear in this week’s issue of Creative Loafing.

After my annual July 4th party, the recycling bin brims with a mountainous pile of wine bottles. I imagine the recycling guy considers me a lapsed Friend of Bill, but it doesn’t matter — our nation’s birthday is the day to enjoy everything. In honor of our America’s independence, here are some creative tips to prepare for the celebration.

Introduce the Box

Ignore the naysayers who might not be hip to the newfangled wine-in-a-box. Once derided as an outlet for the worst vinous swill on the planet, wineries now sell good juice you squeeze from a bladder — the plastic sack housed inside the box. Within each three-liter “cask” (the box’s cool Aussie nickname) are four bottles of wine, hermetically sealed for your fresh drinking pleasure. Once liquid is drawn out, the bladder compresses to avoid exposure to oxygen — the element that ruins wine — so the wine stays drinkable longer (up to nine weeks). Good for a party, it’s inexpensive, unbreakable, sits handily on your countertop for easy serving, and requires no dangerous-when-drunk corkscrew. Seek out Hardy’s and Black Box selections.

Serve Sangria

Another good use for boxed wine is red sangria, a perennial party-time favorite. Is there anyone who doesn’t love to sip this sweet, fruity concoction? It stretches the party wine dollar and avoids disdain from dastardly label-conscious friends. The best, easiest recipe I’ve found:

1 lemon, 1 orange, 1 lime, 1 apple, all cut into small chunks

1 quart pink lemonade (I use Country Time powered lemonade mix)

1 bottle red wine

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup Grand Marnier or other orange liqueur

In a large pitcher, combine all ingredients and stir. Refrigerate at least two hours and serve over ice.

Inventive Cocktails

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KIRBY’S BAR & GRILL
The basics: 2460 Stickney Point Road, Sarasota, 922-3777 [map it]
Signature drink(s): Apple pie, Stella Artois on tap
Most friendliest bartender(s): Linda

When I asked Kirby’s owner Linda — who happened to be pouring suds on the Thursday night I stopped in — if the bar does any specialty nights for the ladies, she shakes her head: “I do everybody’s night.” It’s that welcoming attitude that has kept Kirby’s in business for 21 years, as well as the pool tables, the faux-painted walls and, oh yes, the ginormous jar of pickled eggs. Kirby’s is massive inside, too, with 5,000 square feet of space. That means you can really pack the joint when it’s your turn to serenade the room with your version of “Fat Bottomed Girls” and “Jeremy.”

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57 TAVERN

The basics: 3355 17th St., Sarasota, 953-4111 [map it]
Signature drink(s): Cuervo shot out of the specialty shot machine
Most friendliest bartender(s): John (dude knows pretty much every other bartender in town)

Located in an utterly generic strip-mall on the corner of 17th and Lockwood Ridge, the 57 Tavern — owned by the same team that runs 301 burger joint the Hob Nob — was surprisingly full of life on a Tuesday evening, with young folks out front tossing a fierce game of cornhole and a great cross-section of Sarasota chatting it up inside. Young ladies done up for a night out laughed over cocktails, while solitary white-haired dudes caught the ball game and puffed on some smokes. Dark wood floors and sports flags of every variety provide the ambience, and the bartending staff is unfailingly pleasant. Did I mention the 57 Tavern is impeccably clean? I wouldn’t have thought that was worth mentioning before undertaking work for this year’s Drinking Guide, but after a couple weeks in the trenches of Suncoast dives, a well cared for bathroom means a lot. 57 Tavern, my hat is off to you.

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— Rep. Vern Buchanan joins nearly all his GOP brethren to oppose a House climate change bill. “‘This is a stunning reversal on the most important environmental vote in the history of the country,’ said Jerry Karnes, of the Environmental Defense Fund. ‘There is no way to claim a strong environmental record with a no vote on this bill.’”

— Lakewood Ranch hosts another right-wing tea party: “The event was not partisan, but about holding elected officials accountable, said Gene Sweeney, one of the event’s organizers.” Riiiight.

— Red County Editor Richard Swier interviews Florida House candidate Ray Pilon, and the man just wants his offshore drilling, OK?

— Clout 941 is back, and Ron’s talking with Republican strategist Jamie Miller.

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