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Ed. note: This piece, by Theresa Rose, will appear in next week’s issue of Creative Loafing.

My latest sexual sojourn was a spin through the land of cyber porn. What an eye-popping experience that was.

I recently arrived home from an exhaustive book promotion tour and was itching to reconnect genitally with hubby. Unfortunately, he was unavailable to service his libidinous wife: He was driving home from dropping off our wee sprite at camp in Savannah, Ga. Even though I only had a matter of hours to wait for my beloved, I was unwilling to hold off for the real thing. It was time to take matters into my own hands.

Although I am not a regular viewer of adult video, I thought I would poke around and see what titillating movies there was to see, courtesy of my laptop, MacDaddy. Over the last several days, I heard no less than three references made to YouPorn.com, the best of free porn on the Internet.

I took my urges as a kinky cosmic sign that I should check out what all the fuss was about.

I settled into my bedroom nook ready to explore the forbidden unknown. Holy moly, there is a lot of nutty nookie taking place on the web! I saw every variety, color, combination and position known to man prominently displayed in my browser window. I witnessed a multitude of girls gone wild as they frantically slobbed all manner of knobs. Just watching the oral acrobatics made my neck hurt. While the ladies looked like they were having fun with their forays into fellatio, I couldn’t help but think that the incessant bobbing back and forth would eventually necessitate a trip to the chiropractor.

Another observation I made was the preponderance of fake titties. Maybe men don’t care about the authenticity of the mammary melons on which they are munching, but it was a little disconcerting to see so many freakishly giant, skin-covered softballs being pushed around to and fro. Call me a purist, but I like seeing gazongas au naturale.

And what about the lost entity known as female pubic hair? Am I the only woman left on the planet that has a larger bush than that of a Band-Aid? Surely I am not the only cavewoman out there who thinks having a Brazilian-free cooter is perfectly acceptable. Maybe not.

Don’t get me wrong; my naughty sex surfing definitely got the job done — and then got it done two more times. My primal urges were undoubtedly satiated whilst watching the dirty deeds being done dirt cheap. However, I noticed that nearly every video was missing a key ingredient in satisfying my most basic sexual need: the heart. While every other body part was involved, the heart was clearly absent from the festivities. It is a little less of a turn-on when I see drunk, insecure girls trying to drown their sorrows in anonymous sex with some random, albeit well-hung, idiot. Some of the other more staged videos seemed more interested in gynecological-exam cinematography than sensuality. All I can say is, “Ick.”

If you are interested in checking out how to make the beast with two backs in a more righteous and powerful way, I recommend a tasty web site called Tantra.com instead. This site ranks just as high on the sizzle factor but brings with it a bit more humanity — dare I say sacredness? — into the bedroom. Through our Tantra practice, Michael and I have hotter (and longer) sex than any of those young whippersnappers featured on YouPorn. Check it out; you may just find it to be the ticket to the World’s Greatest Orgasm.

The next time I find myself stuck in a lonely Comfort Inn during a long, grueling book tour and missing my man, I may have to flip open MacDaddy and let my fingers to the walking once again. We’ll have to see what URL I decide to type in the address box.

Theresa Rose is the award-winning author of Opening the Kimono: A Woman’s Intimate Journey Through Life’s Biggest Challenges. She is the president of Serious Mojo Publications and recipient of the 2008 Royal Palm Literary Award from the Florida Writers Association. For more information or to read Theresa’s popular blog I Got Me Some Serious Mojo, visit theresarose.net. She will join fellow Creative Loafing columnist MC Coolidge to speak at Sarasota News & Books at 7 p.m. Thurs., July 23.

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