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On Nov. 3, Maine voters did what only Californians have managed to do before. Not only did they halt that horrifying redefinition of traditional marriage, they actually reversed existing marital rights. But don’t worry, “no one’s anti-gay.” No, this is about families, about children for heaven’s sake! And as a language snob lover, I’m with you. It’s not enough to just maintain, people. We need to repeal. If we want honest-to-God traditional families, we need to roll back all these so-called progressive changes that have redefined “family” over the years. “Marriage” and “family” have proud, traditional definitions, and we need to put in the legwork to get those definitions back.

First of all, this women-owning-property nonsense has got to stop. If women can own their own property, why would they need men? Worse, if men aren’t granted a proper dowry, why on earth would they be inclined to marry? Traditional families rely on bribery and patriarchal control. If we stand for this redefinition of marriage, the entire institution is threatened. Look, no one’s misogynistic, but you’re going to confuse the children with all this gender-bending crazy-talk!

Of course, the real jeopardy comes from the atheists. Yes, our constitution allows for freedom of religion, but atheism isn’t a religion. Just like two homosexuals can’t create a proper family, two atheists have chosen to live a lifestyle that threatens the traditional definition of marriage. Weddings are traditionally performed in churches, after all, and atheists can’t go near those. For that matter, what about Buddhists, or Muslims? We all know that America is a traditionally Christian nation, founded on Christian ideals. If we let Buddhists marry, then our public schools are bound to start teaching that Buddhist marriage is acceptable! You know, in that marriage class we all have in kindergarten? And, good Lord, what about Jews? Look, no one’s got a religious bias, but traditional definitions are the most important thing here, right? We need to restrict marital rights to those who can actively support their sacred definitions.

You know, now that I think on it, marriage is actually a Catholic sacrament. I’m very sorry, Protestants, but you went and redefined Christianity. And as the fight in Maine has shown us, redefining traditional institutions simply isn’t acceptable. You can have your separate churches, but I’m afraid it’s really too much to let you co-opt marriage from the Catholics. We might be all right allowing you to have the ceremony, but you’ll have to call the union something else. The gays already have civil union, so I’m thinking “protest-bond.” We can work with it. Look, no one’s anti-Protestant, but allowing non-Catholics to call their unions marriage redefines the sacrament, and that threatens our traditional way of living.

Catholics, I will have to ask you to forego the wedding rings, though. Ring exchange is actually a pagan tradition. I know, it’s scandalous! Look, no one’s anti-Catholic, but traditional definitions have to be respected.

Now, I’m the word guy, not the Bible guy, so once we’ve removed all the redefinitions of marriage, you may want to consult a better Christian expert about the specifics. I suggest Betty Bowers and her classic lesson on a Bible-based marriage.

While we’re on the subject, though, even beyond marriage, “family” has been stripped of its traditional strength here in the South for far too long. If we’re really thinking of the children, we need the full force of support that we used to have before all these redefinitions. A family isn’t just a man, his subordinate wife and their children. No, a proper, traditional, Southern household also includes a female house slave to act as nanny, a male house slave to act as butler, and several field slaves to make sure the lovely, delicate cherubs of the plantation don’t have to engage in too much manual labor. Look, no one’s racist, but without the proper support structure, our traditional families are in jeopardy!

So, to sum up, now that we’ve conquered repealing gays’ rights to marry in two states which had already adopted them, there are just a few more measures we’ll need to enact to bring us back to a traditional family. It will take some work, but before you know it, white, heterosexual, Catholic men will once again find themselves paid to take over their wives’ property rights, own other people, and live without the constant burden of a wedding ring on those occasions when they need to seek outside pleasures. And our children will finally be safe and healthy in their newly-restored racist, misogynistic, religious hegemony traditionally defined family.

What’s that? People had marriages before the advent of Christianity? Crap! Hold on, people, I think I might have to propose a whole new set of ballot measures. You’re all cool with a return to the hunter-gatherer paradigm, right? Just think of the children!

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