the 941

Last week, I wrote about how individual and official corruption has pushed Nigeria to the brink of collapse. Despite being as dense with natural resources as a Whole Foods built on top of an Exxon, roughly 80 percent of Nigerians live on less than $2 per day.

Re-reading the column yesterday, I had a couple thoughts.

First, I thought, “Wow! If I managed the newspapers in which this column appeared, I’d double the columnist’s pay! Retroactively!”
Secondly, I thought, the concept of corruption could probably use a little more explaining.

The overwhelming majority of Americans don’t experience corruption the way people from poorer countries do. By and large, we aren’t hustled by cops for $100 bills when we get pulled over for speeding. The fire department doesn’t demand tribute before extinguishing your house. And we don’t have politicians in this country who rig our political and economic rules to help moneyed special interests. OK, scratch that last one.

Transparency International is a Berlin-based non-governmental organization that tries to raise awareness of public corruption. Each year it publishes a list called the Corruption Perceptions Index.

The key word is “perceptions.” By its nature, corruption is hidden from view. Sudanese building inspectors and Hungarian border guards tend not to publish monthly spreadsheets detailing how much money they earned from bribes. The CPI therefore relies on surveys of experts within the countries it surveys.

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LEAD STORY: For some consumers, good environmental citizenship is important even when choosing among sex accessories. No longer will they tolerate plastic personal vibrators made with the softeners called phthalates; or body lubricants that contain toxic chemicals typically found in, say, antifreeze; or leather restraints from slaughtered cattle. In an October issue, Time magazine described a market of organic lubricants, biodegradable whips and handcuffs, vegan condoms, and glass or mahogany vibrators (even hand-crankable models, eliminating the need for batteries). Some Catholic Church officials have also embraced the concept to further denounce chemical and latex birth controls, re-characterizing the traditional “rhythm” family planning as the back-to-nature detection of ovulation via body signals.

The Entrepreneurial Spirit: The British retailer Debenhams announced in September that it would begin selling men’s briefs whose opening is more accessible from the left side, for left-handers who have been forced for decades to manipulate a right-side opening. Previously, said a Debenhams executive, “(L)eft-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped maneuver through two 180-degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed men perform with ease.”

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In a move that threatens to make emptying your spam email folder much less amusing, the Nigerian government recently launched a big crackdown on so-called “419” scammers.

The 419 scam, named for the section of the Nigerian legal code outlawing it, reportedly rakes in billions of dollars annually. It works thusly: You know those weird all-caps obsequious business proposal emails you delete? (Ex. GREETINGS OF THE DAY TO YOU KIND SIR: I AM THE WIDOW OF FORMER ASSISTANT UNDERSECRETARY OF PETROLEUM DEVELOPMENT PETER KUMBAYA-MYLORD-KUMBAYA AND IT IS MY GREAT PLEASURE TO WRITE TO YOU AND PRESENT MY BUSINESS PROPOSAL FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.) It turns out lots of people actually believe the emails are real.

The 419 is an advance-fee scam, meaning “guy promises to send you $800,000 if you send him $1,000 to help him take care of the legal paperwork necessary to obtain the money.”
The 419 is a worldwide phenomenon now, but it will forever be associated with Nigeria, I think, because it’s the most well-known international example of the thing Nigeria is most well-known for: corruption.

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Hoping for peace between Israel and Palestine is like hoping that bacon triple cheeseburgers will become healthy, gentle dogs will live forever and senior Bush Administration officials will put on trial for torturing prisoners. Just because it’d be nice doesn’t make it any less fantastical.

Still, every few years, we seem to get our hopes up that peace is around the corner — just a “grip-’n’-grin on the White House lawn” away. Remember the 1978 Carter-brokered Camp David Accords? It was followed by the Israel-Lebanon war, the rise of Hezbollah in Lebanon, the Palestinian intifada, and the rise of Hamas in Palestine. Camp David simply relocated the battle fronts. It didn’t end the war.

The Oslo Accords of 1993 were touted for creating the framework through which Palestinians could govern themselves and negotiate peace with Israel. They were followed seven years later by a second Camp David summit, which was followed by a massive escalation of the violence between Israelis and Palestinians.

In 2002, Bush unveiled something he called the “Road Map for Peace.” It was an extraordinarily vague list of bullet-pointed goals; basically “Step 1, be nice. Step 2, talk. Step 3, settle all deep-seated animosities and violent disagreements. Step 4, have peace.” To call it a peace plan is like ripping a page out of a cookbook and calling it dinner. Like nearly all of George W. Bush’s foreign policy mishaps, the Road Map was a goal masquerading as a plan.

Nothing came of it.

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The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided that the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 is to be awarded to President Barack Obama for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples… —Norwegian Nobel Committee, Oct. 9, 2009

The Nobel Peace Prize is kinda like the Grammy Awards. They must be approached with skepticism.

On rare occasions, the picks are great. 1973’s Best Album Grammy for Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions was spot-on. As a matter of fact, this columnist won’t be worryin’ ’bout a thang, at top volume, once he completes this week’s assignments.

And 1983’s Nobel Peace Prize to Polish labor leader Lech Walesa was inspired. Walesa and fellow unarmed community organizers set in motion the events that peacefully toppled the nuclear-armed Soviet empire.

Sometimes, though, the prize picks are pure stupid. John Mayer’s “Daughters” was actually awarded Song of Year in 2005. I gave it an award that year, too: Best Song to Make You Want to Puncture Your Eardrums with a Rusty Icepick.

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Who won?

Nobody won. Lots of people lost though.

Including me. In August I wrote two whole columns about the Afghanistan election, in the process depleting my once vast stockpile of Afghanistan related jokes, puns and nutty fun facts.

Now there’s going to be a runoff election because stupid President Hamid Karzai and his cronies are so incompetent, they couldn’t even rig an election properly. But what can I say about it now? I’m stumped. I can talk about the election some more, but I need jokes. It says on my résumé “humor column about American foreign policy and world affairs.” I have to tell jokes.

So here’s my favorite joke of all time. Nothing to do with Afghanistan. I’m just trying to give the people what they want.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

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What is al-Shabab?

If you don’t know the name al-Shabab, you soon might. That’s because this column is about al-Shabab and you have apparently chosen to continue reading it. (See how I did that?)

Al-Shabab is a Somalia-based Islamist group. The name seems to be appearing in American news stories with increasing frequency. The group’s name roughly translates into English as “the youth.” The name appears in English news stories using many spellings. The most common alternate spellings are al-Shabaab and al-Shebab. Shebab, hebab and webab! Ibab, youbab and theybab!

Just like youth everywhere else in the world, al-Shababies tend to annoy and/or frighten the grown-ups they encounter. They’re disrespectful of traditional authority, loud, aggressive and prone to driving around with their buddies causing trouble. If Somalia had shopping malls, you could be certain al-Shababies would be seated near the Cinnabon, heckling elderly passersby.

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My fellow Americans and American fellows,

Mark your calendars. Our national family has an important birthday coming up. On Oct. 7, the War on Terror™ turns 8 years old. Eight. Wow. I know. I know. They sure do grow up fast. Before you know it, this war will old enough to enlist in itself!

I’ve got an idea. With the recession and all, maybe we can all pitch in for a gift. If every American contributes just $0.00000057, we can get a new Nintendo DS. It’s what every 8-year-old wants! Amazon.com has a deal that includes a protective case, car charger and the New Super Mario Brothers (featuring a new “Mario vs. Luigi” two-player mode). PayPal me your share when you have a sec. I’ll take care of the gift-wrapping.

It’s always nice to give, but this birthday needn’t just be about giving. Living with an energetic 8-year-old can be exhausting. You deserve to feel special, too.  So I’ve decided to do something this week I hope will help you relax.

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Did Obama just surrender Europe to the Russians?

Although I was warned repeatedly by my patriotic brothers and sisters via conservative media and countless emails that begin “FW:” about how Obama is a secret Commie planning to destroy the U.S. from within, I chose to dismiss the warnings as hysterical fearmongering.

Well, it turns out the fearmongerererers were right and I was wrong. I admit it. Obama’s as Communist as boiled collective-farm potatoes, served with a side red cabbage, and washed down with some nasty, government-subsidized vodka.

In retrospect, the Commie clues were obvious. I mean, why else would Obama propose health care legislation similar to what President Richard “The Red” Nixon supported in the 1970s? Duh! Because Obama’s a Commie.

And why else does Obama think the wealthiest Americans should pay roughly the same income tax rate they paid during the red-red-reigns of Chairman Reagan and Secretary General Bush the Elder? Duh. Because Obama is Black Stalin®!

So what finally awoke me from my denial?

It was the Sept. 17 announcement by Comrade Obama cancelling President Bush’s plan to build an anti-ballistic missile system based in Poland and Czech Republic. With that one move, Obama’s basically handing Europe over to the Russians. If you think I’m exaggerating, just ask architects and fans of Bush’s fantastically successful foreign policy. (more…)

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Just to be clear, when I say “Why are we in Afghanistan” I don’t mean to imply I’m actually sitting in Afghanistan. I’m actually in Georgia — the land of the free and home of the Braves.

Georgia and Afghanistan are similar in some important ways. Like Afghanistan, Georgia is overrun with heavily armed religious fundamentalists. But Georgia and Afghanistan are also dissimilar in key ways. For example, the armed zealots in Afghanistan don’t actually control the government, while the ones in Georgia are vastly superior to Afghans in the art of locating and consuming pork products.

When I say we, of course, I mean Americans. Not just the 68,000 troops currently fighting there, but all of us. It’s our war. In 2008, a clear majority of American voters hung their chads for Barack Obama, who explicitly promised to escalate the U.S. war in Afghanistan. It’s not Bush’s war. It’s America’s war.

So the question is, what the heck are we still doing there?

I know why we went there in the first place. We went there eight years ago because Afghanistan’s Taliban regime hosted the al-Qaeda terrorists who conceived and executed the 9/11 attacks. When the war began, Bush said the goal was to dismantle al-Qaeda’s terrorist infrastructure and trample the then-ruling Taliban regime if they failed to cooperate with U.S. demands.

The infrastructure was dismantled and the Taliban regime was trampled. But eight years later, we’re still there. Why? Because we didn’t consolidate our victory.

Al-Qaeda was able to operate in Afghanistan because Afghanistan was essentially a failed state. We’re still there because we never unfailed it. I hate the metaphor that says you have to “drain the swamp” to get rid of mosquitoes because it compares people to insects. But for all of the expression’s inherent inhumanity, it’s still apt. We’ve spent eight years swatting at Taliban and al-Qaeda mosquitoes, but we still haven’t drained the swamp.

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