the 941

Last weekend I managed, without even trying, to rip a rather sizable hole in my only good pair of jeans. It was inevitable, really, since I wear comfortable jeans into the ground. Mourning the loss of broken-in denim, I hit the stores in search of a replacement pair or two. Easy enough, I thought. Between the holidays and my own general laziness of late, I’d probably gone up a waist size or two, but I’ve been doing this since I was a kid: Find a pair with the right inseam measurement, get two options for the normal and post-holiday waist measurements, try them both on to tell which is my current, and we’re done. Simple math.

And why, pray tell, is the word guy going on about math? Because my tendency to wait so long between denim purchases always leads to forgetting that it’s not simple math anymore. Trying things on, I’d go up a size after one pair was too tight, only to be swimming in that pair — or, worse, find myself unable to get the larger size past my thigh.

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The good news is that all but a few of the purchases on my holiday gift list are done. Now, I expected the traffic and the crowds and the general sensory overload. What I didn’t expect was that one of the senses I’d have overloaded was my sense of grammar.

I can only imagine the recession-marred marketing meeting that resulted in this sign:

Manager: Okay, the tagline is “Shop Smarter.”
Assistant: Perfect, boss.
Manager: Wait! We need brand identity, too: “Shop Smarter at Simon Malls.”
Assistant: But, boss, I already hit the period button.
Manager: So what?
Assistant: Well, my backspace key doesn’t work, and we don’t have the money to get the keyboard fixed.

No, marketing taglines don’t always have to worry about sentence fragments. However, when you throw in periods, and especially when your line refers to how bright your brand is — light bulb icon and all — perhaps you want to steer clear of them?

Ah, well. Shopping proceeded apace. Among other things, it just wasn’t the night for punctuation, as with this local author’s book:

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Having emerged from my Thanksgiving coma, it’s time once again to enter that greatest of seasons: The Battle for Christmas! I’m a warrior for words, people, and I’m strapping on the tinsel and red cap to get rid of that mean old “holidays” greeting and put “Christmas” back in stores! Thankfully, the American Family Association is ready to help me throw down with their “Naughty or Nice?” retailer list:

Criteria – AFA reviewed up to four areas to determine if a company was “Christmas-friendly” in their advertising [...] If a company’s ad has references to items associated with Christmas (trees, wreaths, lights, etc.), it was considered as an attempt to reach “Christmas” shoppers.

If a company has items associated with Christmas, but did not use the word “Christmas,” then the company is considered as censoring “Christmas.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Decorated trees and wreaths — and even the date of Christmas itself — were all co-opted from earlier pagan traditions, so who’s being censored here? Clearly, you have no idea what the real meaning of Christmas is. Christmas isn’t about giving and charity and goodwill to all humanity. Christmas certainly didn’t get where it is by recognizing diversity.

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Here’s the thing about languages that aren’t dead: They grow and evolve (Sorry, Latin — have a neat summer!), most notably by adapting to their contexts. These days, obviously, that context involves the Internet and its trends and memes. Keep that in mind as I point out this headline about the Country Music Awards:

I expect the headline writer hadn’t intended my first thought would be that I had no idea this…

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Today’s secret word is the F-word. It’s just not the one you think. The four-letter variety is old hat. Plus, with the advent of texting, who has time for that many letters? No, three should do it: Start with F, end with G, and put an A somewhere in the middle. I know, I hate word jumbles, too, but I have faith in you. Everyone on the same page? Good. On with the show.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has taken exception with today’s word as used in a recent South Park episode. The episode centers around the kids’ contention that the word’s an insult having nothing to do with sexuality. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman decide it’s time to use their F-bomb on folks who deserve insults — in this case, obnoxiously loud bikers. The usual South Park absurdism results, with new laws and an appeal to update the dictionary definition for the kids’ preferred insult.

Part of GLAAD’s response follows:

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On Nov. 3, Maine voters did what only Californians have managed to do before. Not only did they halt that horrifying redefinition of traditional marriage, they actually reversed existing marital rights. But don’t worry, “no one’s anti-gay.” No, this is about families, about children for heaven’s sake! And as a language snob lover, I’m with you. It’s not enough to just maintain, people. We need to repeal. If we want honest-to-God traditional families, we need to roll back all these so-called progressive changes that have redefined “family” over the years. “Marriage” and “family” have proud, traditional definitions, and we need to put in the legwork to get those definitions back.

First of all, this women-owning-property nonsense has got to stop. If women can own their own property, why would they need men? Worse, if men aren’t granted a proper dowry, why on earth would they be inclined to marry? Traditional families rely on bribery and patriarchal control. If we stand for this redefinition of marriage, the entire institution is threatened. Look, no one’s misogynistic, but you’re going to confuse the children with all this gender-bending crazy-talk!

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Forget the therapy and anti-depressants, kids. Scrap the exercise for its endorphins. Woman’s World magazine has the answer to your happiness deficit:

Feel 60 percent happier! From a popular “lunch meat”! Damn that government for suppressing news of this vital happiness source and keeping us…

Wait a minute.

Throwing quotation marks around “lunch meat” means you’re either quoting someone (because the phrase “lunch meat” is a new and exciting term coined just now by Woman’s World?) or it’s only euphemistically lunch meat. Lunch meat is already vague and euphemistic. I barely know what goes in it when it’s properly labeled, and I’m not especially keen on finding out any further details. It’s scary enough all on its own — thanks a lot, Upton Sinclair! — but now it needs scare quotes, too?
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I love Stephen Sondheim. Actually, since I’ve never met him and I’m not some kind of stalker, let’s rephrase: I love Stephen Sondheim’s work. For me, it all started with Sondheim and James Lapine’s re-envisioned fairy tale, Into the Woods. As is often the case — especially in Sondheim — the villains get some of the best lines. One of my favorites comes from The Witch. When the “get your wish at any cost” attitude of the protagonists finally start to, you know, cost something, she declares, “You’re not good; you’re not bad; you’re just nice.” You see, the Witch knows something that most people don’t: nice, well, isn’t.

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Introductory posts are silly. Let’s just get right to the fun. (Thanks to my neighborhood Publix for the inspiration.)

The checkout lane that makes English teachers smile:

Confession time: I had a teacher in high school who was obsessed with the fact that grocery store express lanes used the incorrect “10 items or less.” Honestly, I think he cared a little too much. He railed against it so often and so vehemently that I was sure one day I’d hear a news report about a mild-mannered teacher who had a psychotic breakdown and vandalized the local market’s signs. On the other hand, I never again mixed up “less” (a measure of volume) and “fewer” (counting individual items). I wonder if a similarly-obsessed teacher was behind the Publix signs?

Warning labels on your news:

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