the 941

Chapter 11 — Tough cookies for Mrs. Fields.

Julia Child, secret agent chef.

30 Seconds sued for 30 million for failing to deliver the “goods.” (Shouldn’t Jordan Catalano and co. get a bonus for NOT making “music”?)

Where were you when Phelps landed his eighth (and his seventh the night prior)?

That means none of us were at the movies, and the numbers prove it.

August anniversary, part 1: E.P.’s death.

August anniversary, part 2: Madge’s birth.

Trump’s latest role: McMahon’s landlord.

(more…)

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P. Hilton sued for shutting the flip up. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse? All of that?

P. Diddy should be sued for not shutting the flip up.

Aw, we heart you, comeback Britz: You can take the country out of the girl, but…

Elvis and Priscilla Barbie dolls. They’re right about the plastic Priscilla thing, just waaaaay early. (Now where’s our matching Graceland Barbie Dreamhouse?)

Uncle Joey finally talks about that song. You oughta know what we’re talking about.

The Chupacabra does exist, and this proves it. Really?

Bigfoot, too, though alive? Not so much.

Another broken record for Phelps, another broken ratings record for NBC.

“John Edwards in a onesie.” Gadzooks.

(more…)

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This image, taken of a certain sports fan and Olympics attendee, kinda says it all, doncha think?

“ASU! ASU! ASU!”

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Three of my favorite words.

They also rang true for one of my favorite Americans, Edward Abbey. Take a little time this weekend and pick up a copy of The Monkeywrench Gang and see what real patriotism is all about.

And as we celebrate this Independence Day, let’s here from one of the original patriots, Thomas Jefferson:

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.”

Have a safe and happy long weekend.

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 In a nation of sheep, one brave man forms a majority. — Edward Abbey

Here in the United States, the petty corruption that’s so rampant in many other countries is largely absent. You get a parking ticket and, if it was issued legitimately, you only have to pay the fee on the ticket. In many other countries, and not just developing ones, tickets can mean having to grease plenty of people along the way including cops, government flunkies and others who are on the dole.

Lately, though, in many places  across America, petty government officials and corporate bureaucrats have been taking lessons from their third world counterparts and are insinuating themselves into the fabric of our country. Most of us simply accept these inconveniences as part of modern life.

We should not.

That is why, to commemorate Independence Day a little early, I am going to salute one brave American who stood up and fought for freedom.

In other news:

• Yes, you are being tracked by the government using the GPS in your cell phone. Civil liberties groups have just filed suit to gain access to the records.

•  Utility workers are forming a domestic secret police force in three western states. They will be looking for “suspicious activity” like “taking photos of no apparent aesthetic value, making measurements or notes, espousing extremist beliefs or conversing in code.” Aysay oodbyegay otay eedomfray.

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George Carlin died Sunday. Fuck.

He was an unflinching observer of the human condition, a wry linguist and a powerful storyteller. “Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism,” he once said. “The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.”

(Here’s to you, G.C.)

Here’s Carlin… On politics.

On airline safety.

On religion.

On environmentalists.

On sports.

On war.

On “The American Dream.”

On having a nice day.

On those 7 deadly words.

On “soft words.”

On the 10 Commandments.

On our similarities.

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Stan Winston, a true artist of moviemaking, has passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was 62.

From Jurassic Park to Aliens to Terminator 2 to this summer’s Indy Jones installment and Iron Man, Winston was the effects wizard responsible for theater upon theater chock full of dropped jaws.

In a 2003 BBC interview, Winston said, “I don’t do special effects. I create characters, and I use the tools of special effects necessary to do it.”

Winston did more than create characters. He made magic happen.

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Unless you’ve been living under an especially large rock the last few months, Sarasota (Bradenton, too) has a new celebrity to lay claim to — American Idol Season Seven contestant, Syesha Mercado. The top three placer visited her old stomping ground last Friday for a whirlwind 24-hour publicity juggernaut/footage shoot, from giving a concert at the Ringling Museum to receiving keys to however many Suncoast cities A.I. producers could squeeze into her schedule. The area’s bat shit crazy over it all: We haven’t seen this many signs saying “Congrats!,” “Way to Go!” and “We Love You!” since we exited our imaginary private jet and blew sweet kisses to the throngs of fans in our head.

Tonight, hometown girl Mercado goes up against the Goliath wall of the two David’s (Cook and that impish Archuleta kid) for a spot in the finals. And let’s be honest: It doesn’t look good, people. Mercado’s been landing in the bottom three — and then two — since Paula’s been a blathering, hot on-air mess. Still, we loves us our Ms. Mercado, so break a leg and kick some family-hour-appropriate bottom.

And smack some sense into poor, pitiful Paula. No, seriously, Syesha. Please do it.

xoxo,
CL

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What’s your vote worth to Hillary Clinton? How about as little as $27.16?

• Curious about the decision-making (or lack thereof) in the Bush White House prior to the invasion of Iraq? You (and future historians) are not going to read any of the 10 million e-mails that were supposed to be archived. Can anyone say cover up?

• Still hankering for the truth about the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal? Still want to see some of the decision-makers held accountable? Well, you are going to be disappointed by the new film “Standard Operating Procedure.” At least that what one Army intelligence officer had to say.

• Today’s first entry in the annals of “Abuse of Police Power.” Yes, this man was arrested for failing to use his turn signal.

• The second entry. Yes, this farmer was arrested for selling milk.

• One cheeky Australian fellow has been improving his nation’s roadsides, one new traffic sign at a time.

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