the 941

First things first: Somebody’s getting it…

David Beckham, The Musical. Tee hee, they said “Goldenballs.”

Phelps’ pop culture domination begins/continues.

Kellogg’s trumps Wheaties for Phelps promo gold: Ahhh, snap!

Phelps’ backlash begins/continues.

“Fierce, flawless and fabulous” mommas-to-be: Christian Siriano to design for the preggers set. Next up, haute baby messes.

Just in time for the first week back: The economy cuts class.

(more…)

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Chapter 11 — Tough cookies for Mrs. Fields.

Julia Child, secret agent chef.

30 Seconds sued for 30 million for failing to deliver the “goods.” (Shouldn’t Jordan Catalano and co. get a bonus for NOT making “music”?)

Where were you when Phelps landed his eighth (and his seventh the night prior)?

That means none of us were at the movies, and the numbers prove it.

August anniversary, part 1: E.P.’s death.

August anniversary, part 2: Madge’s birth.

Trump’s latest role: McMahon’s landlord.

(more…)

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Numbers are in, and the Batman still rules. (But why did that many people go to see the new Mummy movie, anyway?)

Not even gunfire disrupts a Diddy, et al. shindig.

American Idol’s Archuleta drops his single, “Crush.” Speaking of which…

Ow, LaBeouf’s hand.

Thirty pages of baby photos? A bit of Brangelina overkill, isn’t it? Ohhh, riiiigggght, we get it.

Laptops: Not as portable as you think.

Lohan livid at LAPD.

Ashes to ashes… How to green your funeral.

Slate reviews Pammy’s new series, Girl on the Loose. ‘Nuff said.

A Hilton utters intelligence. Film at 11.

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Even Extreme Makeover recipients aren’t immune to the foreclosure crisis…

The earth moved in a sizable, seismic way. Here’s hoping our west coast friends are okay.

Winehouse in the hospital. Winehouse out of the hospital. Rinse, and repeat.

Hallmark and Fox team up for, um, blockbuster greeting cards with no substance and shark-jumping special effects.

“Two tickets to the gun show?” Or just this instead?

Speaking of which, “Hey Laaaaadies!” Jerry busted for packin’ heat.

Starbucks — More cuts in coffee town. Those without jobs? Likely as bitter as the brew itself.

If only Starbucks had implemented their “appreciation beanbag toss.” ‘Cause, you know, it’s all about “appreciation.” And, tossing tossers.

(more…)

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The return of the wire hangers. Let it go, daughter dearest.

Knightley does Doolittle. Sigh. At least she’s not re-doing the Pixies album.

No comment, on any of this. Oh wait but, yeah, sorry.

Dan Rather? Really?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. [Breath]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Clint vs. Spike: Round one

Spike vs. Clint: Counterpoint

Oh, Christ. No, really.

The headline made us giggle.

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Not to be one-upped L.L. Bean, L.L. Cool J is now doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it… for the children?

Sharon Stone’s latest role: Seismologist.

Sharon Stone’s latest role, part two: Not in China.

Mmmmm… bacon.

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Especially if you’ve driven through North Central Florida or the panhandle, you’ve seen these billboards:

A while ago me and a friend, writer and current Baton Rouge Advocate photographer Casey Anderson, decided to come up with a few of our own. Our goal was a submission to McSweeney’s lists, but our list never quite got there. We revive the project here. Our ideas blow? Submit some of your own in the comments to this post.

Jesus is coming. Do you have an extra toothbrush? - God

Pervert. - God

Global warming, huh? How about a flood? - God

Come with me. She doesn’t love you anyway. - God

They’re demons, demons. Kill them all. - God

Did you like the cancer I sent you? - God.

Fat porn? C’mon. - God

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I was out on Lido Key Beach last Sunday with my friend Stephanie Garry, a reporter at the St. Petersburg Times, in hopes that I could discern the secrets of her professionalism.

Instead, the insistent whine of a propeller drew our eyes to the sky. Some outraged airman was dragging a banner that read: “Atty Dan Bailey’s lies caused 21 yr old ‘pilot’ to ‘die’ – now Judge Logan tries to cover it up.”

“That sounds like a story,” Stephanie announced. “You should get on it.”

We’re at the beach, I thought to myself. “What I want to know,” I said, “is why did they put the word ‘die’ in quotation marks?”

“Maybe it’s like a Terri Schiavo thing,” Stephanie said.

“Or maybe,” I said, “this quote-unquote ‘pilot’ never actually dies. Maybe every time he’s killed, he rises again, five hundred years later, to feed.”

“How do you know the pilot is a ‘he’?” seethed Stephanie, who interviewed Gloria Steinem last month.

“OK. Well maybe this person put ‘die’ in quotes because this person wants to emphasize that the mortal ego is a myth, and we’re all just fluctuations of the eternal energy of the universe from which these our current bodies have grown out.”

“And the ‘pilot,’” said Stephanie. “Was she actually just delusional? Someone who would sit in an office chair for four hours, holding an imaginary joystick, and then get up and pretend she was in Seattle?”

It was a grammar mystery, and there was a good chance that it belonged on the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. Stephanie plans to send in her photo.

Feel free to comment below with your own testimony of absurd quotation-mark usage. The winner gets [We can’t offer them anything illegal or magical. — Ed.]

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We’ve officially entered the scary world of podcasts. Well, “officially” may be a stretch. But we did sit in the bathroom (it’s a noisy office) with food critic Brian Ries for 15 minutes to talk about his review of Knick’s Tavern in this week’s issue.

This inaugural episode is, putting it generously, a first attempt (pretty sure we can get better at reading aloud). Still, we’d love your comments and suggestions, both about the format and the content.

Anyway, we’ll have clever iTunes and RSS feeds shortly. For now, this here’s your one-stop shop: Say What?

Photo by Camille Pyatte of Knick’s Famous Salad.

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