the 941

“The bomb will not start a chain-reaction in the water converting it all to gas and letting all the ships on all the oceans drop down to the bottom. It will not blow out the bottom of the sea and let all the water run down the hole. It will not destroy gravity. I am not an atomic playboy, as one of my critics labeled me, exploding these bombs to satisfy my personal whim.”– William H.P. Blandy, a U.S. Navy Admiral who oversaw the atomic bomb tests at Bikini Island.

“Woe to you my Princess. When I come, I will kiss you quite red and feed you till you are plump. And if you are froward, you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn’t eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body.”

– Sigmund Freud

“Four trillion dollars for baked beans? I didn’t know they had Whole Foods in Zimbabwe!”

–Lewis Black

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Some new, late summer goodness, courtesy of those Conchords. Sunshine and rollerskates. Mmmm hmm…

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 They don’t hate us because we’re free. They hate us because they were taught to hate us:

• It’s official; Saudi Arabia won’t be held responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

• The Transportation Security Agency won’t tell you that you’re on a “no-fly” list, but it also won’t tell you if you are on one. It’s starting to make the Stasi look like a bunch of first-graders playing ring around rosy.

• A look inside the jail where protestors will be spending their time at the Democratic National Convention. Seen on sign: “Warning, stun guns will be used in this facility.”

• Thought crimes legislation already being implemented.

• Two of the government’s favorite words: plausible deniability.

• The truth is rising:

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Wind energy may have a nominal carbon footprint, but the proliferation of windmills has its own problems. That the giant turbines have been killing loads of birds is well-documented, but just appearing in the radar screen are the hazards to human health.

• Do we want a dangerous and unstable person in charge during stressful foreign relations events like last week’s invasion of Georgia by Russia? I don’t think so.

• Where are the WMD? Of course, if we can’t find them, we’ll have to plant them. As every cop will tell you, you have to have a throwaway.

• Martial law expands in Arkansas.

• New robot has biological brain. Have we learned nothing from science fiction movies?

•  Get ready for the flu pandemic lockdown.

• Again, best listened to loud:

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 Need we say more: “Giant escaped poo causes chaos.“

• Today in news that’s hardly surprising: from 1998-2005, most U.S. corporations did not pay any federal income tax.

• Is the war in Georgia just a starting point for a much larger U.S.-Russian conflict?

• Some eyewitness reports indicate that U.S. troops are already on the ground there.

• One U.S. mercenary has been captured by Russian troops and there are reports of dead Americans as well.

• Looking past the Olympics to China’s lucrative organ-harvesting business.

• Darn those pesky activist judges enforcing the Constitution.

• The Brits knew Saddam was bluffing on WMD, but went along with the war anyway.

• Maybe the FBI’s explanation of the anthrax attacks is a little too good.

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Funny: We always think “sleeping on it” is the way to go.

A Martha Stewart parody show = A very good thing.

Heroes star Hayden: She’s just a cheerleader, and her folks are only human. Or something.

The Batman, still on top.

Aw-right, aw-right, aw-right, aw-right. McConaugHAAAY talks fatherhood. And placentas.

Olympics opening ceremony scores ratings gold. Yeah, that was a weak one, we admit. It’s Monday.

(more…)

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One of great characters in South Park history… RIP Isaac Hayes, AKA Chef.

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Cheetos = Crime solving in Minnesota.

Girl-skewing Disney Channel to court the little boys. So many jokes we could make here, but, since it’s Friday, make your own.

The man CL likes to call The Baboon is a hurtin’ real hard. Break out the Kleenex.

On that note, buy those holiday airline tickets now.

Still more signs of a limp, flaccid economy.

Jewel yodels her way down the aisle. Ah, Jewel… remember this? Priceless.

Kanye: Egomaniac, psychotic blogger, media mogul, defender of the Gays.

Speaking of which, ahem, Mr. T…

Jimmy Cameron on his new techno geek-out: 60% CGI, 40% live action, 110% “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets” dialogue doodie.

(more…)

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Another day, another new low hit by the McCain campaign.

• Hillary Clinton, unwittingly, pitches in for the McCain campaign.

• The future of fat: 40 years and every U.S. adult will be overweight.

• The question we all want answered: Who can I sue?

• Forgotten war in Afghanistan passes tragic milesstone.

• Hillary is pressing for a floor vote at the Dem National Convention. Really.

• Shouldn’t civil liberties at least be talked about by the major candidates?

• The United States’ place in the deplorable history of killing women and children first.

• And finally, something that does not depress me (and one of the great moments in movie history):

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See you at the debate, old wrinkly guy.

• There appears to be little room for civil disobedience in the current humorless atmosphere.

• What do you do when domestic terrorists are in short supply? Start charging the innocent.

• Fail to pay a parking ticket, lose your house. Really.

• Coming soon: your national ID card:

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